August 09, 2005
A Safety Net for Our Sons
There are few behaviors so devastating to a parent as those practiced by teen boys. The slack jaw, hunched posture, and sudden deafness are alarming behaviors in the child who once revered them. Add to that the behaviors arising from ADD, ADHD, hyperactivity, and just plain acting out that surface at school and are evident in disciplinary action or failing report cards and parents are at a loss and afraid. Who is this kid? they wonder. How can I help him?
Strategies for dealing with teen boys must take account of the biology of the maturing teen. Influxes of testosterone demand risk taking and the quest for independence. There are social factors that have delivered our boys to this poor state as well. These include our special needs and victim focused culture, our permissiveness and lack of expectations for youth, and an addictive parenting model that looks for results right now and is willing to try bribery, threats, and negotiation to make it happen.
Parenting is collusion for the wellness of the child. That means we have to do what it takes to get this knucklehead to manhood without hurting himself or others. We need to allow natural consequences for actions, hopefully early on when the lessons are less likely to involve encounters with the law. We need to not save our children from their choices. We need to continue to lecture and tell the truth about what we know about the world even when it appears no one is listening. At the same time, we need to trust that they learned everything they needed to know before they hit puberty and that the information is stored somewhere inside them. We need to acknowledge the difficulty of what they are trying to achieve without stepping in. We need to not repeat ourselves or we might as well as tell our sons they are stupid. We need to allow for mistakes and the learning that comes from it. We need to not forget our own bumpy road to adulthood. We need to allow mothers to mother and fathers to father and to respect the differences of each gender.
The model I teach in my mentor and facilitator trainings allows for the biology of boys by reducing the talk and increasing the physical movement. We also hold high standards and expectations without regard to special needs. We don’t expect to be liked or to have the young men show us what they’re getting from the mentoring. Some of this can be adapted by parents, In the teen years, I believe that fathers need to step up their parenting and mothers need to stand down for their own sake and their son’s. But most importantly, other men need to be brought in. Parents need to build a community of honorable men for their sons. In adolescent where taking a fall is inevitable, that community of men is a young man’s safety net. That’s the best thing a parent can do for him…give him a net.
