April 06, 2005
Violence in the home
It is a hard fact that male aggression is on every level. Mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. This aggression needs to be addressed and worked with in an aggressive manner.
Mothers do not have the heart for this kind of work.
Mothers may muster the aggression for a time, but must forfeit their role of loving mother to sustain it. Their aggression when used comes out as rage and often has a personal edge to it as if they are being wronged, when the adolescent is doing what adolescents do, oblivious to the impact on the mother or the family. Fused with a kind of guilt, this aggressive strategy for mothers inevitably backfires in more pronounced behaviors in their son, depression or shutting down, or at times, violence toward the mother.
The study of abuse of parents by their adolescent children is just beginning, but it already is pointing to an alarming social problem. Abetted by the sanctioned violence throughout our society, the statistics now show that their child has assaulted one in ten parents either emotionally or physically. The most common type of assault is by sons against their mothers. It’s occurring in nearly 30% of the single parent homes. And the abuse begins when the son is in the 12 to 14-age range and peaks when he’s between 15 and 17, following the course of testosterone.
Many times a young man's aggression toward the mother is a response to how he has seen her treat his father and/or her attitude toward men in general. While there are many reasons for abuse of parents, including having witnessed or suffered it oneself, the predominant issue is that there is a lack of parental guidance and supervision. Clearly, the stereotypical working mothers, absent fathers, and untended teen boys are a recipe for trouble. The study also stated that the contemporary parenting styles, which afford children an equal footing in the family, have eroded the leadership of the family and led to this kind of violence.
In working as a youth advocate during the restorative justice process, I’ve seen the family dynamic that leads to youth overstepping and breaking the law. In one such family group conference, the mother was extremely outspoken about what her son needed and he equally resilient about denying it. I took him for a walk outside and as we talked, he revealed a history of his mother hitting him when angered over the course of his childhood. The situation we were trying to resolve included her calling the police on him for violence hitting her. I asked him what happened. "I finally realized I was bigger than she was,” he said triumphantly. Mothers need to hear this: at some point the son will be bigger. Using violence to control or restrain him will backfire ultimately in that same violence being used against the mother. This overpowering mother was more than surprised about what had happened and called in law enforcement (men) to quell the resistance.
I’ve also dealt with more than one single mother who admitted during a session that her son had been violent and threatening toward her and she was now afraid of him. Her shame about the situation and her attempts to legitimize it by giving the reasons why (his father did the same, he was under a lot of pressure, etc.) kept her isolated and unable to help herself. She also may have guilt regarding her own violent behavior toward her son.
This is why I advise women to bring men into their lives. Mentors, relatives, neighbors, friends as well as the boy’s father can all do the job of helping a young man establish limits for himself. Even in married households, more men than the father are needed to deal with your testosterone infused boy. These men can model appropriate behavior and provide outlets for behavior that is better conducted outside the home. They can also put a stop to what’s going on within the home by their presence. It doesn’t have to be a formal situation in which you are bringing the man in to meet with your son. You could simply invite men you know in for a sandwich. But formal programs exist. You could also put your son in a program where men are. Sports programs can be great because of this. Mentoring programs are a great choice.
Putting men in your son’s life is the single most effective strategy for raising a teen boy to be a good man. The good news is that it helps you too right now.
