February 09, 2005
The Sensitive Boy, The Emotional Boy
"Many mothers come to me saying my son is very sensitive...." What this often tells me is that in actuality their son is very emotional.
In today's world, having emotions where other people can witness them means being sensitive. It’s also highly encouraged, much to the detriment of our young men.
This version of sensitive has left us with boys who navigate the world using the compass of their feelings. They have little to govern themselves other than the feeling of the moment, which if it's an angry feeling, means everyone better watch out. If it is sad, then we better surrender our position in an attempt to make them happy. Allowing boys to use their emotions to guide them is handing them an excuse to make whatever choices their feelings dictate at the moment. And I believe we want our boys looking a little further down the road than that.
I like to tell young men to govern themselves with their senses not their emotions. Now the word sensitive can return to its original meaning....Sensitive means tuned into his senses. He is using his five senses to determine what is going on. What he hears, sees, smells, touches, tastes are relevant. He is also using his intelligence to guide his interpretation of what his senses tell him. This will keep him attached to the truth of a situation.
Emotion is what happens after a sense is activated and processed through the brain. Emotion may attach good or bad to a sensation. It may attach a host of past experience to a sensation. Emotions invariably include a value judgment. Sad is bad, happy is good for example. What happens at this juncture is what can save a boy from being at the mercy of his feelings. Reacting at the feeling or emotion level can be very harmful to the boy’s development and can often result in very poor choices. Often boys are gliding along, bumping into a momentary feeling, and then changing course based on that feeling. If they can take the next step of returning to their senses, they can make choices based on what’s really going on and not how they feel about it.
Many young men in my mentoring programs are stuck in the emotional net, flailing away, wondering why none of their plans for themselves ever work out. It’s precisely at the juncture of the emotional and sensitive, where his battle is lost each time. Let me give you a personal example.
My son (age 8) was having a rough day. He just finished a basketball game that morning and had clearly stayed up too late the night before. He was exhausted. The only thing my son likes better than basketball is baseball. He’d been talking about baseball since last season ended. Unfortunately for him, baseball try-outs were that day, just an hour after he had finished his basketball game. It was a new league and he was feeling apprehensive about the try-out. When we pulled up to the field, I looked into the back seat and he was curled up in the corner. We’d forgotten to bring his glove in the excitement and during the drive he had made no move to change into his sweats from his basketball outfit.
What’s up? I asked him.
I’m not going to play baseball this year.
Hmmm. Why not?
I don’t want to.
A classic case of letting his feelings: exhaustion, apprehension take hold and run the show. Many times as parents we have to discern from what the child is feeling in the moment to what he ultimately wants. I knew my son wanted to play baseball.
Hmmm. Well, let’s walk over to the field and check out what everyone else is doing.
I don’t want to try-out.
I know. Let’s just look around and see what we see.
We made it over to the try-out field. There he saw two kids he knew, watched what the try-outs were like, borrowed a glove, and was tossing the ball around, waiting for his turn. He had returned to his senses.
Now fast forward to when this child is a teen boy. Getting him from the emotional choice to the sensitive choice can be more difficult.
I’ve seen teen boys will often quit a sport to get even with a coach who criticized them or made them angry. I’ve seen teens not show up for something they like to do because of a moment’s feeling. We’ve all seen it. It’s painful to have the door close on an opportunity for your son because at the time it was presented to him, he was too emotionally charged to act on it.
Rather than trying to save the day on those lost opportunities, it would be better to help your son learn to discipline his emotions. While this is best done in the company of men, who for the most part, naturally do it, all parents can help with the sensitive/emotional choice.
Here’s how it works. (By the way, the more you do this, the more you instill the process in him and build his tools for disciplining himself).
1. When your son is responding emotionally during a decision making process (no, I won’t go), help him by staying with the benefit of saying no. (Examples: He won’t have to try to set up rides, he’ll have more time to do other things, etc.) Be clear and try not to sway his thinking to your position.
2. Only then move to the benefit of saying yes. Helping him look toward the positives will allow a positive perspective on all “the choices” first.
He may be ready to move ahead at this point. If not…
3. Point out that how he is feeling now is not how he is going to feel forever. Also, show how his choices now will contribute to his emotional state later (i.e. boredom, feeling left out). These are the negative consequences of his actions.
Remember this: it is always the responsibility of the parent to make the best choices for their kids, so if needed, you can make any decision without your child’s permission. They will love you for it.
