August 17, 2004
Six Guidelines for Surviving the Day with a Teenage Boy
There are few parenting mountains so high as that of raising a teenage boy. While you can survive it (other parents have), there are some proactive guidelines to take to keep your sanity now. The good news is that these will also benefit your son. The bad news is that it’s not easy. Just remember parenting is a spiritual discipline and all you can do is your best and forgive yourself when you don't.
1) Guide with your principles.
When discussing anything with young men it is important that we are aware of our own principles, ethics and morals and live by them. We supply the resources for their survival. They are angling for those resources. They may be looking for money for the movie, a drive into town, or a new gadget. Using our principles, ethics and morals as the guide permits us to make our decisions. Our house rules are established based on these principles, ethics, and morals. Know what they are! It’s especially grounding when your son is coming at you with a million reasons why you should say yes. If your rules say no movies until chores are done or that you aren’t willing to drive if your son’s behavior has been less than respectful, that’s that. A decisive parent gets to stay out of the ego conflict, power struggles, and negotiations and renegotiations. Decisive parents don’t have to explain themselves, their actions speak for them.
2) Never take it personally.
Never take anything a child does personally. Young men are self-centered to the extreme. They are not considering you, except possibly where it might lead to something more for them. Once you understand this, you can keep your sense of humor. You do not have to play the victim or remind them all you have done for them. Know the animal and don’t be offended when they reach for your resources or for their own independence. They have to. They’re teenagers.
3) No credit. Everything is earned.
Young men are human and want the most resources with the least amount of effort. Do not give a young man anything on credit. It’s a bad model to set and may result in a 40-old boy on your couch 25 years from now. As adults, we must work before we get paid. Everything is earned. This means chores equal computer time or other desired events. (If you do give something on credit do not increase the credit line until the previous credit has been paid in full.) Bribery and deal making are not effective parenting. Rewards are not esteem building. When a child does outstanding work, praise the work, every detail that merits praise. If you think there is a need for improvement then make your statement about that and encourage him to bring it back once the corrections are made.
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4) No special needs.
Because of past history, current learning disabilities, physical issues, whatever they may be, the child is still expected to perform. Do not excuse or lower the standards. Once your son believes he can play the victim card and you’ll go easy on him, you’ve shown him something completely counter to what he’ll experience in the real world. Help him by removing your pity. You might reply “Yep, that’s true you had a rough one, but here’s what’s expected now.”
5) Limits are your responsibility.
Listen as long as you want to a request. But when you say no to your teen, you are saying "I am not talking about this any more.” No means no. No stops meaning no when you continue the discussion after you’ve said no. Then the understanding you are instilling in your son is everything is negotiable. That won’t wash in the bigger world where your young man will experience many nos. A young man who doesn’t know the meaning of no is being set up for criminal behavior. While giving your no, you can feel great about the fact that you are allowing your son practice receiving nos while still in a safe environment.
6) They will not be happy with you. Get over it.
Teenagers fought in and won every major war in history. Yes even the nice, kind, thoughtful, and sensitive ones. They are perfectly capable of taking care of their needs including fixing their own food, washing their laundry, arranging their rides. While you are busy doing for them or explaining the logical reasons behind your actions, they may be nodding, but in actuality they are tapping their foot, waiting to see if they are going to get want they want. They really do not care about reason, logic, fairness or mutual understanding. You do! They care about getting what they want and compromise is experienced as a tolerable loss. Remember; it is your resources they are fighting to get…Do not look for them to be happy with your limits. It’s good to remember that your son needs parents who parent, not more peers. And parents as a group are not popular. Someday, when your son is an adult with his own children, you may get your appreciation. Until then, remember there’s no immediate gratification in parenting.
This article is copyrighted by Mitch DeArmon. To use it in other publications, please contact Vicki at LeadershipWorks, 707-876-3100 or vicki@leadershipshipworks.org.
