Mitch's Tips for Parents

Boys Need Men

Our society has lost its sense of value in the male to male relationship and has tried to understand it through the feminine mode of relationships.

Many of the things men need to do together are seemingly senseless and irresponsible. Howeer, it is important that they do them. Exclusive male ritual and aggressive interactivity are mandatory for a healthy male psyche.

Male aggression is on every level: mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual and this aggression needs to be addressed and worked with in an aggressive manner. Pacifiying this aggression only leads to unconscious aggravation which is acted out in unconscious and unreasonable violence.

In defining aggression, I mean direct confrontation with the same energy the aggravation is occurring at. When a confused adolescent is giving long explanations justifying his behavior, meeting that explanation with strong values of conduct is demanding more discipline from the young man, rather than indulging him in his own confusion. Young men must be treated as if they know how to socialize, rather than our current method of emotionally indulging them. They want clear cut directions, not to be abandoned to figure it out for themselves and do it alone. This is what men provide.

Dealing with young men as individuals as we might do in one-on-one therapy or within the confines our own families perpetuates the confusion, aggravation and isolation that causes the violence. This is further seen by the success rate or rather the lack of success of therapy on men. Dealing with young men individually does not give them the connection they are looking for in a social structure. Psychotherapy works for women on a much larger scale than it works for men.

It is up to older men to be consistent with their values, behavior, and practices, because this is what young men will trust more than emotional dialog.

If a woman intervenes in this process, the young man will make demands of women that she cannot fulfill. She will be expected to provide emotional understanding. Yet having a woman explain to him her feelings to understand his own adds to his confusion and rage. The names we put to feelings for men and wome are the same, but they are not experienced the same.

For men, a conversation and dialog about feelings takes a young man so far away from himself, he will be left to unconsciously act out his feelings, rather than creatively express them.

Through the ages, the rage and confusion of adolescence has been talked about, but our society has chosen to quit dealing with the rage by developing intellectual explanations that make the person giving them feel better, but give the receiving person little to sustain himself.

Keeping men and boys together has been very low on the priority list for our culture. I believe in mentoring and initiation for young men by adult men for all of the reasons discussed above. It serves the young man. And it serves the society by delivering a man of integrity where there once was a boy.

Mentoring at its Best

It's easier for us to treat other people's kids with patience and give their kids firm direction. It even seems the praise we give them goes deeper. It's interesting to see that even as adolescent boys are trying to separate from their parents they really respond to attention from other adults. This is why mentoring works.

We recently did some exercises in middle schools where we trained Dads how to be mentors. The Dads were nervous and afraid they would do the wrong thing and have parents complaining. After an hour of telling them to "be yourself", we were ready. The only rules were that no one was to be with their own son and we could not swear or make sexually derogatory statements.

I spent twenty minutes on qualities of manhood ie; respect, giving it, integrity, living it, dignity, being it. Then we went in for the kill... competition. We conducted a very simple game that challenges the students to work together. They follow the leader which they chose and try to beat the other team. The mentors only give direction when asked or when any rules were being broken.

We saw 11, 12, and 13 year olds, with focus and patience. We saw young men of different backgrounds working together, different races and cultures being successful in working together for a common purpose. We saw computer geeks supporting the jocks. We saw the smallest young man lead his team to victory. He thought no one would ever listen to him. At the end he summed it up "It isn't size that makes you the leader, it is focusing on your team and giving clear directions. Being able to adjust and trusting the team." I wish I had told them all of that. Given the time and space, they realized they already knew it.

This is the best of mentoring...DO IT !!!!

Problems and Excuses

It happens throughout our society, social institutions minimizing consequences for victims. He was abused, therefore.....minimize, minimize, minimize. It also happens in our homes. A parent’s compassion for a child’s problem, can create a separate expectation around behaviors. We then minimize the consequences for misbehavior. This does not serve the child.

What needs to happen for the sake of our children and communities is when something BAD happens to someone they should be taught how to tolerate it, encouraged to express the pain in a painful way, and then shoulder the obligation to make sure it never happens to anyone else. Never should being in pain be an acceptable reason for causing pain when it comes to young men. In fact, this kind of reasoning should be kept out of the earshot of children altogether. Children will and are using this type of knowledge to excuse themselves from the effort it takes for self discipline.
Here is a way to deal with the victim.
Pains, wounds, trauma put us in a position closer to our instincts, the will to survive so it’s necessary first to establish security. Remove the most immediate causes of harm. Be patient (self discipline). Address the expectations of growth through the situation. Be patient. Let them know your availability to address this further.
For adolescent males the sorrow and pain can look like rage and should be taken to the men who support the family.
I am often asked "What do I do if there are no men supporting the family?" Be careful, this situation can be dangerous. For women it is more important to keep yourself safe than to try to deal with this rage yourself. Find quality men. Invite them into your community. It can be a family member, a friend, or a mentor. Help your son by getting this help from men. These issues unresolved normally turn to addictions.
Finally, don’t continually feed the victim the excuse of what happened to him as a reason he doesn’t have to perform to expectations. It’s not a life lesson you want him to have.

What Fathers Do

Fathers are vital to the health of their sons, to their families, and to their communities. They serve an important function which as a society we have failed to appreciate and now are seeing the results.

It is the father’s responsibility to stand fast in the values that are acceptable conduct in the home. Fathers cause children to socialize by the father’s intolerance.
The father is an example of how to treat women and children by the way he treats his wife or partner and the children. Social conduct for the benefit of the community is in the domain of the father. It is the father’s job because mothers will excuse misconduct when their instinct to nurture is activated.
What mothers do creates more work for the mother, what fathers do, creates less work for the mother. Fathers wield the final no. In fact, the father’s job is to drive the children away from the mother. Mothers often do not have these limits for themselves and drive themselves to exhaustion. The way my wife describes it is at times it feels as though the children are eating her alive with their needs. She will continue to give to them even at the expense of herself. Fathers stop this from happening.
It is human predatory nature to attempt to take the position of greatest advantage. Fathers with their strong values can re-establish and maintain security so that the child can move away from this primal instinct.
I would like to say mothers can do this also but it creates at least two problems. First a mother must stop nurturing to raise the expectations of social performance and as a result we have a mother who thinks less of herself. That is not good. Second if the young male is large enough and a mother shows this kind of strength and fortitude, it raises the potential for the situation to become dangerous for her.
Let the father be the one to face the matter and raise the expectations of conduct and performance. The mother should side with the father when the son resists, however difficult that may be. Any collusion between the mother and son at this point will be at the demise of the family and ultimately her son. She must trust the father with her son. She must look away.
The father and son are engaged in a war. They are both in love with the same woman. One supplies the resources, another must eventually leave to make his own resources and create his own family. The father is doing a service for the son when he raises the bar of expectation. When he increases the demands upon his son, he is striving to encourage the best in the young man and give him the tools to survive in the bigger world. A young man without a father or men in his life is often in for a rude awakening when he gets into the bigger world. He won’t have the fortitude to make it on his own. No one is there to do things for him. He’ll think he’s capable of much more than he actually is. And sadly, if there were no men in his life until now, the men he’s likely to meet will be the law-breaking kind and eventually and ultimately it will be men in uniform.
When fathers do their job (and are allowed to do their job), our whole society benefits.

Why Fathers are Important

We have lived by a fantasy that the more valuable parent or influence is the mother which has been supported through our entire social organization for years. It is my belief that the rage we are seeing in young men, the violence, the apathy, the depression, the unwillingness to grow up, can all be traced to the absence of men in the lives of our young men.

Men have been relegated to the sidelines in parenting. Men have allowed it to happen. And mothers have helped and upon occasion insisted upon it. Mothers often are reluctant to relinquish or share control. The love the mother builds with her children when the children are small can usurp her relationship with her husband or the children’s father. Fathers become extraneous in the family.
This happens in two parent homes as well as by default in single parent homes where the mother is the primary caregiver.
The reign of the mother comes to an abrupt and often violent halt once the boy becomes an adolescent. Mothers are faced with a testosterone-infused “monster” who she has neither the experience nor the biology to deal with.
That is the father’s job. And he may have to call in a community of men to help him because one man will not be enough.
Out of need and oftentimes desperation, women are inviting men back into the parenting equation. Yet others stand between their son and his father, trying to negotiate a relationship that would be healthier without her. To disempower the father, necessarily disempowers the son who by his biology ultimately must stand in the company of men. It also heightens the son’s rage toward women.
The basic ingredient lacking for many mothers today is trust in men. They must learn to trust that what the father brings and how he brings it, serves the son. And men need to show up, regardless of the mother’s objections.

How Much Independence Should Be Given?

Independence. Your son wants it. You don't feel he's ready. How do you figure out how much should be given?

How much independence should be given to a young man? The answer is: as much as his accumulated resources can pay for.
Parents should not put themselves in a compromising position in terms of liability so their children can pretend or even practice their autonomy or individuality.
One of the main reasons is that it is dishonest. If the liability for a child’s behavior falls onto the parent or guardian, the child is neither independent nor autonomous. Nor is the child self-reliant. To allow our children to pretend they are these things takes away all ethical, social and moral opportunities for that young person to learn from his or her mistakes.
Autonomy and individuality are earned when a person takes responsibility for all of his actions and pays the consequences of those actions. It does not work well for a young man’s development to be allowed to admit guilt or to make mistakes without repairing the damage done.
For a young man to acknowledge, accept, and repair harms he has committed either by carelessness or intent is true empowerment. This also allows him to go through the necessaryfeelings and emotions to mature both morally and socially. By taking this kind of responsibility, a young man earns respect and his right to live free in our society.
We must stop teaching our young men that they have rights prior to earning this kind of responsibility. Why? Because a young man who holds his rights as a higher priority than his responsibilities becomes antisocial and will be a burden to his community instead of a contributor. This is where we fail our young men and our society

Single Mother's Do's and Don'ts

The single mother is operating without alot of guidance. When the wounds are fresh from a divorce or separation, there is an opportunity for real danger to the pysche of your son. Here is a list of "do's and don'ts" that will keep the damage to a minimum and let you make it through with your integrity intact.

There are so many circumstances that cause families to split up, most of which are painful for the father, mother and son. I have written these "do's and don'ts" from the point of view that the father is still alive and the mother has custody. This is the most common situation of single mothers. For clarity on your specific situation, please write. I am sure others will benefit.
Remember, we can work it out together!

Do's and don'ts
1)
Do- Acknowledge that it is a difficult situation.
Don't- Decide who it is the most difficult for.
The situation is always in flux and there is too much of a chance to either indulge the son emotionally or invalidate his feelings. In both cases, there is a greater risk of the son making it too much about the problem and use the situation for self destruction.
2)
Do- Discuss how the situation is going to be lived out.
Don't- Create false hopes or make promises.
Life is unpredictable and it is more important to have confidence and courage about our ability to cope and be resilient in the circumstances than to dream about unpredictable outcomes. Get impatient and those dreams turn to lies and we will have a betrayed and insecure person on our hands.
3)
Do- Tell the son what the custody terms are and why.
Don't- Allow the son to be involved with the custody decisions.
Let the adults take all the responsibility for their actions. Asking a young person to carry the load for adult behavior is cruel. Asking a child to choose between parents is ruthless.
4)
Do- Expect the son to contribute in all household tasks more, only because it needs to get done to increase the quality of life.
Don't- Let feelings of guilt dictate how much or little you expect of him. He can deal with the situation and take on more responsibility. Doing more for him out of guilt will only give rise to feelings of incompetence and laziness.
I have also seen this contribute to an aggressive attitude of demands made on the adult, with the young man laying out how the adult SHOULD act to MAKE them feel better.
5)
Do- Resolve your grief about the situation away from the child. Be emotionally available to the child. Grief takes on many forms from sadness to rage. It is important that we deal with our own emotions, not get caught in the trap of endlessly apologizing after we have screamed, slapped, belittled, or withdrawn without explanation. Remember, anything you say about his father will eventually be turned into something you would say about him. He will be a man like his father is a man. Because of this, he might come to believe he IS those negative things he heard you say about his dad.
Do