Mitch's Tips for Parents

Telling the Truth

"Authority is to be disrespected." That’s the perspective I get from many of the teenagers I work with these days.

One of the causes of this perspective is worth looking at more closely. It comes from parents re-shaping the truth in an effort to convince their teen that they are here to protect him.

What sometimes becomes apparent is that children have seen their parents distort facts and lie for them. It puts everyone in a double bind. Everybody knows that parents are the moral and integrity barometer for their children. If a child sees and knows their parent lies willfully, will they respect their parent ? Will they believe the parent is to be trusted with their security needs?

What follows is a rats nest of sick bargains between parent and child. You don't tell on me and I'll be here for you. The parent actually expects a vow of silence from the child and the child is psychologically assaulted with the dilemma. Further, when the parent’s behavior undermines social authority, the child learns to be deceitful to authority. They also will act out this type of anarchy against their parents during adolescence. Behaviors include: being disrespectful, brushing off the parent’s opinions mid sentence, and pointing out the parent’s failings and hypocrisies.

When parents finally realize they need help, the game starts again. The parent has a fear of what the child may say in session. Parents may bribe their children to get the needed help. In the end you have a child angry or depressed because life has forced him to choose between truth and LOVE.

Parents are love to their children. When a child has to choose between telling the truth and betraying love, the fear and anger can seem almost unbearable. Some of these children fall into a "state of stupid." Every answer they have is "I don't know." This is a child who is trying to be responsible for their own reality while caught in the question of whether he will be loved if he is. It can be agonizing for the child.

The "state of stupid" is a result of parents who soften the facts and the child trying to maintain the bond with them while they do it. It is easier and quicker for our children to turn their back on the truth now then fight through the distortions of the truth over time.

The definition of truth is the quality of being in conformity with facts and experience; actual existence. Let’s ask ourselves, with all this at stake, do we really want t

The Importance of Words

• Are there words missing from your child’s spelling test?
• Is your child’s vocabulary absent of words that create ethics?

Perhaps your child is a victim of neutral politics and non-denominational absent morality.

Hear this! If we do not educate our child with basic vocabulary, with the values we put on these qualities they will never have a chance to live up to anything. Everyone will suffer because they will also lack connection with community sustaining principles.

I think it is our responsibility to give our children the ability to have ethical dilemmas by giving them words with values connected to them so they can struggle with their own personal ethics and fit them into our society...or not.

Here’s the list I recommend we begin to use with each other first so our children can see this work in action:

Honesty - The state of being honest, refraining from lying 2) showing fairness, STRAIGHTFORWARDNESS, sincerity.

Integrity - the quality of being complete, sound, unbroken. the quality of being of sound moral character.

Dignity - the quality of being worthy of merit, the quality of being worthy of esteem or honor.

Courage - the quality of facing anything that is recognized to be dangerous, difficult or painful, instead of withdrawing. the quality of being fearless or brave, valor. ( mind; purpose; spirit; The courage of ones convictions )

Parents as Peers

It’s painful to watch parents who act like peers to their children, essentially pretending that the playing field is even and forgetting their role as parents.
Recently a young man in one of the mentoring programs was dropped off by his parent. Upon arrival the parent blurted out to the room in general "Ask (young man) what he did last week with his money for the program,” then left the room without any social graces such as "hello " or "good evening.” I understand the frustration (the son had spent the money on drugs) but, do we parents understand the consequence of setting someone up for public humiliation?

The parent was "tattling" on the son. The son tried to save face with a few mumbled comments about how parent dearest was crazy, tripping, lost their mind, etc. but their relationship had slid from a parent child exchange to one that might happen between siblings.

It is helpful in raising young men that we do so by example. Self-discipline is the easiest way to gain the respect of our children. Authoritarianism is the most difficult. If we parents expose our children to our emotional outbursts too often we will be showing them that we are self-centered and inconsiderate of how we impact the people around us. We will be creating an opportunity for them to learn that emotional outbursts are a good way to try and get what they want. Worse is that they will see that becoming emotionally reckless is a means of punishing people for not getting their way. Public humiliation in this instance is a tool to control others and make them suffer with us.

What might be another way to work together as adults for the benefit of the young man who had clearly made a poor choice? To address the issue directly by telling the truth... calmly, like this for example:

“Please excuse me I want to apologize for not having your money. You see my son took the money I gave him and gave it to a friend and they spent it on POT! Can we make arrangements to get you the money another time?”

It would be really great if we parents could stop taking it personally when our young men do goofy, dishonest, sneaky stuff just to get their way. When we as parents are telling the truth to each other we begin to create a peer group of adults. We can let go of the pressure of being a part of our child’s peer group.
For children, a peer group has the pressure of status and security, as well as the hope of acceptance, popularity, and risk taking. For adults a peer group provides security, planning, relaxation, comraderie, and community. In a child’s peer group the truth is found out, whereas in an adult’s peer group the truth is revealed. Let’s trust each other enough to reveal the truth.