August 09, 2005
A Safety Net for Our Sons
There are few behaviors so devastating to a parent as those practiced by teen boys. The slack jaw, hunched posture, and sudden deafness are alarming behaviors in the child who once revered them. Add to that the behaviors arising from ADD, ADHD, hyperactivity, and just plain acting out that surface at school and are evident in disciplinary action or failing report cards and parents are at a loss and afraid. Who is this kid? they wonder. How can I help him?
Strategies for dealing with teen boys must take account of the biology of the maturing teen. Influxes of testosterone demand risk taking and the quest for independence. There are social factors that have delivered our boys to this poor state as well. These include our special needs and victim focused culture, our permissiveness and lack of expectations for youth, and an addictive parenting model that looks for results right now and is willing to try bribery, threats, and negotiation to make it happen.
Parenting is collusion for the wellness of the child. That means we have to do what it takes to get this knucklehead to manhood without hurting himself or others. We need to allow natural consequences for actions, hopefully early on when the lessons are less likely to involve encounters with the law. We need to not save our children from their choices. We need to continue to lecture and tell the truth about what we know about the world even when it appears no one is listening. At the same time, we need to trust that they learned everything they needed to know before they hit puberty and that the information is stored somewhere inside them. We need to acknowledge the difficulty of what they are trying to achieve without stepping in. We need to not repeat ourselves or we might as well as tell our sons they are stupid. We need to allow for mistakes and the learning that comes from it. We need to not forget our own bumpy road to adulthood. We need to allow mothers to mother and fathers to father and to respect the differences of each gender.
The model I teach in my mentor and facilitator trainings allows for the biology of boys by reducing the talk and increasing the physical movement. We also hold high standards and expectations without regard to special needs. We don’t expect to be liked or to have the young men show us what they’re getting from the mentoring. Some of this can be adapted by parents, In the teen years, I believe that fathers need to step up their parenting and mothers need to stand down for their own sake and their son’s. But most importantly, other men need to be brought in. Parents need to build a community of honorable men for their sons. In adolescent where taking a fall is inevitable, that community of men is a young man’s safety net. That’s the best thing a parent can do for him…give him a net.
Posted by Mitch at August 9, 2005 11:09 AMDear Dr. Mitch:
I am wrtiting to you out of the deepest concern for my grandson who is 14. He is enrolled in a theraputic boarding school His background..Born out of wedlock, mother's choice not to have father in his life until he is 18 (her own vendetta. At 1yr. she met significant other who abused the child and she overlooked claiming that he was "making a man out of him",(not sure of the extent of the abuse), 5 years later she becomes pregnant again by this man who did not want to get married and forces him into the marriage by making many concessions, ( the child had a nanny for all years prior because mother was a workaholic...working in extreme excess out of personal choice more than financial need...spending most of her time with the boyfriend...nanny was childs mother figure.) He consented to marriage, with mandates... the most serious was that the nanny got fired...he knew that she was the childs safeguard. Mother gives birth to twins....boy and girl....the household goes into a chaotic time...many changing nannies,sometimes three at a time running the household, all attention to the house and new babies...no time for the boy, a move, a mom working more than full time and the abusive demeanor and resentment of the stepfather. The boy starts to question wanting to meet his nautural father...the boy is a good athelete....on his sports team shirts the abuser insists that his last name be used (until this time the child uses the mother's maiden name...his birth father was from a foriegn country in the US on a scholarship dodging the draft of the foreign country...she threatened to deport him if he did not sign off all rights to the child because he would not marry her and had no job to support payments...he did ....birth certificate says "father unknown")So, at this time the boy goes by two last names and knows that his father's name is a third. He is so disturbed by wanting to meet his father ( the boy twin is a JR, and this bothers him a lot) that he is in therapy.....mother is telling therapist that she does not know how to reach the father...has the boy write to (later discovered) a bogus address when she does know the true address....letter comes back rejected and she tells the boy all is for not... his father cannot be found. [At this time I contact the father....had numbers she had given to me years ago to confirm if he had recieved a letter and returned it....he said no that all of his contact info of years ago was the same and if the boy reached him he would like to start a relationship of sort] The boy calls 411 in the American city that he wrote the letter to and gets his father's phone number. On his tenth birthday the mother has him confined to his room...having used abusive language on him because she said he lied about the amount of money that he put into a church envelope.....called him a "thief / con-artist" said he was only getting bread and water for his birthday....I called to wish him a happy birthday and he told me he was giving himself a gift...told me he called 41l and wanted to reach his father. I strongly discouraged it telling him to wait until he was out of trouble and then to tell his mother because she would know he called and the 411 info would be on the phone bill. I called the father to tell him that he may get a call for the boy without the mother's consent..so he says that I should give him his cell phone number and he would not answer if that number cam e up, but if it was another area code indicated number he would expect it to be the mother calling and then answer. The nanny who was there took matters into her own hands and allowed the boy to call on her cell and that he was the happiest she had ever seen him. I reprimanded her and told her that the boy would tell his mother regardless of what he had promised her and that she would be eternally jobless. The reality of her actions set in and she said that she would say the the phone was on the counter and that the boy picked it up and used it without her knowledge. I went along with this to help her ....but, invited daughter and son-in-law to my home to explain the matter in its entirety...the nanny showed up too...daughter called me a liar, beat me up, cracked my teeth with a thrown brass ashtray....I reported her assault....she had done this once before and had hit the boy in a serious manner once that I knew of....I would not press charges only wanted record made...the state then pressed charges.....she went for anger management...placed a restraining order on me ...the mediation required that I go to the therapist that she and the boy were seeing...he tried for a year to reconcile us and she would not.
It was advised by the therapist that the boy go to a boarding school..to get him out of the house and away from the stepfather. He went ....he resented being there and missed his therapist and a family enviornment...his anger dispelled itself on another student and they sent him to a wilderness camp.... he did well there, even finished early. He was venting a lot...the stepfother went out to the school and said that the boy should be pschy. evaluated...(he always wanted him to be locked up...he told this repeatedly to the nannies) they sent him to Texas and from there to a Virgina theraputic boarding school...his behavior got worse (not sure what occured other than he despised the treatment and the enviorment of being there)....they asked him to leave...he was retested and sent to a Massachuetts School. He seems more content there but very saddened....wants to live with me. (I do know that where he is is better than being in his own home and am not sure, but it may be the best school for his needs at this time.) I do write to him and send him packages and have a one day type vistation with him when he is home. He and I would like this all not to be so restrictive and that I could visit him at school....I wrote to the director, he called me and said the permission had to come from the mother....and the he thought she would not object...(shocked me) I called her and after three calls she returned the call...said I could never visit, but sometime in the future I could talk to him for 3min. once a month, but it would not be soon. It has been 5 weeks and I have called again to no avail.
I see what she her behavior as a form of abuse to the boy...denying him any love connection that would give him the sense of belonging that he so desperately needs....she is using him as a pawn to hurt me.
As complex as this all is ...with what I have told you here...what do you advise that I do for the best interst of the emotional stablity of this boy whom I so dearly care about. Should I seek legal intervention? The State law in which I live gives no consideration to a grandparent, however, while the state that he goes to school in may be more lienient....I just do not want to do anything more to harm the boy and yet, wonder is doing nothing is also harmful.
The mother has never submitted the names of the therapists who were at the initial stage of the boys problems...she fired them both with threats. The school that he now attens and the last school have never had the records of these original therapists. After speaking with the present school director, I know that she had obliterated all she does not want them to know that would reflect on her and on the stepfather. I am the truth that she fears. She has the boy frightened that any mention of anything from him of incidents would cause the child services to take him and his sibilings into a terrible foster care home....
Sorry to be so long at telling this and do hope that your expertise with boys can guide me to do the right thing for him.
Posted by: Lori at February 26, 2006 05:52 AMMitch ~ In a traditional setting this is all so true..however, what is to be when there is no father and the main male person is abusive and the mother is not an at home mom. Child rearing on a day to day basis is in the hands of island women who are leaving their children in the islnds to come to the US to earn money! Plese advise!
Lori
Posted by: lori at February 26, 2006 06:58 AM
