April 06, 2005
Violence in the home
It is a hard fact that male aggression is on every level. Mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. This aggression needs to be addressed and worked with in an aggressive manner.
Mothers do not have the heart for this kind of work.
Mothers may muster the aggression for a time, but must forfeit their role of loving mother to sustain it. Their aggression when used comes out as rage and often has a personal edge to it as if they are being wronged, when the adolescent is doing what adolescents do, oblivious to the impact on the mother or the family. Fused with a kind of guilt, this aggressive strategy for mothers inevitably backfires in more pronounced behaviors in their son, depression or shutting down, or at times, violence toward the mother.
The study of abuse of parents by their adolescent children is just beginning, but it already is pointing to an alarming social problem. Abetted by the sanctioned violence throughout our society, the statistics now show that their child has assaulted one in ten parents either emotionally or physically. The most common type of assault is by sons against their mothers. It’s occurring in nearly 30% of the single parent homes. And the abuse begins when the son is in the 12 to 14-age range and peaks when he’s between 15 and 17, following the course of testosterone.
Many times a young man's aggression toward the mother is a response to how he has seen her treat his father and/or her attitude toward men in general. While there are many reasons for abuse of parents, including having witnessed or suffered it oneself, the predominant issue is that there is a lack of parental guidance and supervision. Clearly, the stereotypical working mothers, absent fathers, and untended teen boys are a recipe for trouble. The study also stated that the contemporary parenting styles, which afford children an equal footing in the family, have eroded the leadership of the family and led to this kind of violence.
In working as a youth advocate during the restorative justice process, I’ve seen the family dynamic that leads to youth overstepping and breaking the law. In one such family group conference, the mother was extremely outspoken about what her son needed and he equally resilient about denying it. I took him for a walk outside and as we talked, he revealed a history of his mother hitting him when angered over the course of his childhood. The situation we were trying to resolve included her calling the police on him for violence hitting her. I asked him what happened. "I finally realized I was bigger than she was,” he said triumphantly. Mothers need to hear this: at some point the son will be bigger. Using violence to control or restrain him will backfire ultimately in that same violence being used against the mother. This overpowering mother was more than surprised about what had happened and called in law enforcement (men) to quell the resistance.
I’ve also dealt with more than one single mother who admitted during a session that her son had been violent and threatening toward her and she was now afraid of him. Her shame about the situation and her attempts to legitimize it by giving the reasons why (his father did the same, he was under a lot of pressure, etc.) kept her isolated and unable to help herself. She also may have guilt regarding her own violent behavior toward her son.
This is why I advise women to bring men into their lives. Mentors, relatives, neighbors, friends as well as the boy’s father can all do the job of helping a young man establish limits for himself. Even in married households, more men than the father are needed to deal with your testosterone infused boy. These men can model appropriate behavior and provide outlets for behavior that is better conducted outside the home. They can also put a stop to what’s going on within the home by their presence. It doesn’t have to be a formal situation in which you are bringing the man in to meet with your son. You could simply invite men you know in for a sandwich. But formal programs exist. You could also put your son in a program where men are. Sports programs can be great because of this. Mentoring programs are a great choice.
Putting men in your son’s life is the single most effective strategy for raising a teen boy to be a good man. The good news is that it helps you too right now.
Posted by Mitch at April 6, 2005 12:33 PMHi Mitch,
How disappointed I was to read this article on violence in the home. I have raised 2 sons and a daughter, do not hit ot abuse my children and have had difficulty with my son and rage. His stems from his fear of his father and early memories beating me. Where is that in your research? I cannot believe you would slant your article with no responsibility of the male parent.
People rage for many reasons....MANY. It is what we do to support our families, the help we provide and the resources we have available that develop strong voices rather then temperment.
I would like to see where your in depth cummulative research is drawn from as i do not believe it represents the majority of the 30% of single family homes.
Am I to believe this does nto happen in single father homes? single grandparents?
Please post your cited research so those of us that have ever experienced raising a teenager, male or female, are able to review statistics.
Tks,
Dea
Posted by: Dea at April 13, 2005 07:00 PMI thought the article was a good one and I was glad to see it being addressed. There have been many reports done with varrying statistics. Anyway you look at it, there is alot going on in this world today. This web site is an avenue to voice ones frustrations, concerns, to be able to gain some knowledge, understanding and some tools.
I do alot of reading and research for myself and for the line of work I am in. I have a teenage son and a younger daughter. I am very grateful for this site and for the workshops that Leadership works puts on. It has been a very supportive and insightful tool.
It is tough enough right now in this day in age. There is a tremendous amount of stuff going on in the world. It is a lot to deal with whether you are a single parent, married, grandparent parenting again,or a teen perhaps. This site is a support system in a vast network.
As for Mitch's article and the statements he has made such as "Mothers do not have the heart for this kind of work" It is true. Mothers are the nurtures, the caregivers to thier little ones. It is when their son becomes a teenager that is when the dynamics change and it is very important to have knowledge or seek out knowledge and understanding to know how to deal with the changing times otherwise there is a lot of caos, arguing, fighting, power struggles, and issues at hand.
I know first hand what it feels like to be a single parent and to raise two children on my own and then get sucked in by guilt and not feeling like a good enough parent and all that goes with being a parent.
Leadership works has been a great support system to network with. I say this because I once was a frazzled mother trying to navigate new terain "living with a teenager"
I can attest that knowlege, understanding and the tools to use to be able to function in a household with a teenage male has been a life saver.
I have read the statistics in many reports and they are scarey! I choose not to allow those statistics to dominate my life or my children in my housold. I do everything I can to educate myself and I do my best to follow through with the rules I lay down and the consequences if the rules are broken.
I have learned that I have to value myself as a person as well as a parent. If you give everything to your child and then expect them to give back to you in a way that you need it and then get upset when it doesnt happen that way then you have done a disservice to both your self and your child.
I also have had to deal with violence in the home and I got out of there. The emotional wounds that violence can create is horrible. The sad thing is that anger and frustration can lead to violence from the child, the parent , the caregiver. Yes there are many factors that can cause this. I do not advocate violence. I do however know that it can happen. Knowing this and doing all that you can do to prevent it is the best thing. Blaming society is not the answer.
Leadership works has some great porgrams for "Teen males" "Fathers" and even for "Mothers" And they are in your community and not just in one area. They are in Sebastopol, Petaluma, Santa Rosa. There are also one day workshops, this web site and one on one services. It is one of the best I have seen available. It is all up to you and what you want and how much research you want to put into it and how much effort you put into it.
I am thankful for Leadership works and all that they do. It has made a difference in our lives. My son didnt want to get involved at first and didnt like what boundaries and rules and consequences I have instilled, but they werent put there for his liking, they were put there for the good of the family and it has made a differnce.
As for "Dea" who wrote about statisitcs, and how Mitch would write a slanted article with no responsibility to the male parent. I beg to differ. If you read the archives in this website or attend the workshops or spoke with Mitch , then you would see that he is very much an advocate for our young males as well as for the parents or guardians of these young males. Mitch is not the only one who wites about statistics, there are many articles and studies out there....but that will always be out there. What is important is seeing what is going on in our homes, our communities and what we can do to make it better.
Posted by: Queen of 2 Ps at April 14, 2005 04:04 PMDea,
Mitch here. There is no acceptable reason for violence in the home whether it is directed at mothers, fathers, grandparents, or children.
Our society is very fluent in the causes of violence. We all understand there are many reasons for rage and resulting violence. The one you discuss, a father abusing the mother while the boy is a witness is certainly a well known and documented source of violence as a choice in the boy as he grows up. But one of the least talked about causes is the topic of the article: interactions between mothers and sons. The studies documenting this (there are six studies sitting on my desk..simply type in parent abuse in Google to view the National Clearinghouse on Family Violence or the academic studies) match my experience in working with hundreds of boys and their families. Some of the violence stems from an emeshed mother/son relationship in which the mother abuses the son verbally and/or physically. It can also stem from a anti-male attitude that the son picks up on as a criticism of his self. The son's rage very often results in violence toward the mother.
I am at work on a book Why Boys Need Men. The article you read is a segment from that book. The book also covers a great deal more, including how our sons got to the place they are now and what we (fathers, mothers, and the community at large) can do about it. There is much to say on this topic which cannot be contained in a single article, but can be in the larger format a book affords. The article spelled out the solution which is to cultivate a network of honorable men who can support our boys to vent their rage without causing harm to others or to themselves. How we do this is the subject of the book as well.
In the method of mentoring we promote at LeadershipWorks, we believe that a young man is 100% responsible for his behavior and that behavior should not include violence in the home. Finding blame or excusing behavior because of the causes does not help young men.
I am sorry that you were a victim of domestic violence. I regret that your son witnessed it. My concern now is helping your son.
Mitch
Dear Mitch-
My son is almost 12 now (and very mouthy!), so I am studying for the future.
I am not understanding why teenage boys have the rage you describe. Is it just the hormones?
Johanna,
There are many reasons our boys are angry. I'll list a couple of them.
1) The media's negative images of males.
2) They can get away with it if there is no one to enforce socialization in the home.
3) Testosterone causes young men to become more aggressive and if they have not already learned the habits of self discipline, they are stuck with dealing with themselves through self expression. This looks alot like anger at times.
4) Living in a society that demands men express themselves like women or their FEELINGS are not validated.
The anti-male tone of our culture is extremely shaming to our young men and they are losing their tolerance for it. They need more men in their lives.
Well, I am not a single mother, and my husband and I have never verbally or physically abused our son. So count me in as another parent who does not fit the profile of most parents of teens that are hostile. He tries hard to be Mr. macho and act like he is not sensitive but he is and my dh and I do see this in him, though lots of others don't. There are no loving words from him toward us and he won't let us hug him....that stopped years ago, because he would get so terribly upset if we tried. He is doing well at school, behaviorwise and most of his grades are good, though there is always one low grade all the time. He has very low self esteem. He was brought up in a Christian home and is 14 now. We have no idea why he has become violent toward me and my husband lately...after years of his being verbal to us, sometimes verbally abusive. My husband and I have tried lots of punishments, and we are at a loss as to how to deal with him now. My husband has to physically restrain our son at times, when he goes into these rages and most of the time they come out of left field and we have no idea what he is mad about. We did have to call the police recently because of his threats and how he went to hurt me, and he did beat up on my husband, so my husband had to restrain him while I called the police. They took him to a youth center in the next town where he spent the night. He is on probation for 6 months and is about to have a psychological profile and counseling. I am relieved, as is my husband, that he is finally going to be forced to go to couseling. We see things improving with him at home already. I hope this works! We are praying hard. I came to this site when I found out about it. It will help me to read other parent's stories and get tips. Thanks
Posted by: Mary at November 18, 2005 07:52 PMI too am a single mom with two boys and an abusive ex-husband. My son this is 14 (will be 15 in July) is getting out of control. He is also ADHD which only adds more fuel to the fire. The relationship with their dad is practically non-existent (and he lives in another state) and they rarely see him. My younger son is 11, and so far is not displaying the same behavior as my older son. My older son has been physically abused by his father, with the most recent occurance this past Christmas. Without any family here and a very busy schedule with work and school (trying to complete my bachelor's degree online), it's hard to find a way to get good male involvement in their lives. His grades are suffering and he's starting to not go to school some days. He of course is bigger than me and I can't force him, need some suggestions with that one. I have threatened to call law enforcement too in hopes that it would be a way to force him into getting much needed counseling that he doesn't want to do. I'm scared of it getting worse and need to know how to correct it now! I find this site very interesting and am glad to know I am not alone. The 30% statistic (of single parent families with this type of thing going on) scares me on one hand, but makes me glad to know it's not just me or something I've done wrong.
Posted by: Denise at February 28, 2006 04:27 PMHi Dr. Mitch ,
Thnak you for responding to my email and your empathy. What I most appreciate is the forum to talk about violence, how it affects our boys and our families. With that said, I have faith that we allow them to embrace their anger and turn it around before they have lives of destruction.
I had the distinct joy of having dinner with my sons this evening and discussed this topic with them asking for their honest opinions on the topic to help me understand.
My eldest son although laid back believes when a father is absent, there is the feeling that whatever age, they must step in and become a man. When I asked why, he responded with "Because the world tells us to be men". I asked if I made him feel that way and he replied, "no, I just wanted to take care of you, I can't explain why."
My younger son who has had an anger issue told me it was nothing I did, rather, this feeling of having no control in his personal life and I was not responsible, it was his choice. He then shared that the doctor he sees was able to help him problem solve. I asked if I ever relayed a resentment for men and his response was -never. He then went on to explain how he is wired and that medication he is on is a huge help (Serequil). He works hard on his issues and is now more secure in his own self.
Dads are important. I love mine and am so thankful he is in my life and the life of my sons. What I found intriguing is how my youngest stated that each person can only speak for their own self and not a general population. The way we react or respond is a choice. I then asked if he had a father around would he be different. He said he didn't know and the one he does have has no interest however, he has a lot of good people that have been there for him. He named them and said he felt the worst when he knew he was pushing the line and was aware of his behavior.
I googled alot and I still remain solid in stating that each indivdual cannot be judged or compartamentalized becaused they are raised by single moms. I admire the parents that called the police and towed the line as I did. I think the bigger question is do we set boundaries for our kids, provide clear messages and consequences while learning that loving our children is through all circumstances and not always pretty. What about our girls? I have a well balanced daughter in College that is one of the gentlest souls I know. Still, there are girls raging all over the planet. They have mothers and fathers and some do not have either parent. Who do we blame?
I believe we need to look at children as not things to be molded but human beings to be unfolded. Each, is individual and wired differently. It is up to all of us, men and women, to be be important in the life of our kids and do whats necessary to raise and guide them. In my opinion, there is not one gender responsible for the rise or fall of another human being.
Thanks for letting me share my views. I love my kids and want only the best for them. Hats off to every other parent here working hard to raise their children.
Dea
Posted by: Dea at February 28, 2006 06:06 PMUnbelievable!
Reading this article addresses exactly what happened in my home. I raised my son as a single Mom he at 17 became 6'2 and using drugs and alcohol. One night as I awaited his arrival I was threatened, hit repeatidly, and verbally abused for an hour. In my attempt to leave the home to get help from friends his intent was to slash my throat as he stated no one would care anyway. I realize that I have isolated myself since this situation because of shame and guilt I carry. That night I locked myself in the batrroom and 10 minutes later when there was a sound of silence he was being arrested in front of my home. I never felt so confused, hurt, saddened, and worried about what was next. His Father lives 60 miles away and has failed to do his part as a parent. I left him when my son was 1 yr old because he was violent and threatened my life. So, here I spend 17 years dedicated to believing I could raise a son that would be kind and caring (I spent years taking college courses and reading self-help books about raising children in a single parent invironment). Also, the help of Dr. Phil and Oprah, and ironically he is an exact replica of his Father and does not care. All his hate and anger is directed toward me daily. I know he is intelligent and has great talent in art, music, & sports. He has just chosen drugs/alcohol and a group of friends that have no goals in life! I am glad to have found your information and I hope to find a solution before it is too late~I have hoped to find help. Thanks for doing what you do!!
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