August 17, 2004
Six Guidelines for Surviving the Day with a Teenage Boy
There are few parenting mountains so high as that of raising a teenage boy. While you can survive it (other parents have), there are some proactive guidelines to take to keep your sanity now. The good news is that these will also benefit your son. The bad news is that it’s not easy. Just remember parenting is a spiritual discipline and all you can do is your best and forgive yourself when you don't.
1) Guide with your principles.
When discussing anything with young men it is important that we are aware of our own principles, ethics and morals and live by them. We supply the resources for their survival. They are angling for those resources. They may be looking for money for the movie, a drive into town, or a new gadget. Using our principles, ethics and morals as the guide permits us to make our decisions. Our house rules are established based on these principles, ethics, and morals. Know what they are! It’s especially grounding when your son is coming at you with a million reasons why you should say yes. If your rules say no movies until chores are done or that you aren’t willing to drive if your son’s behavior has been less than respectful, that’s that. A decisive parent gets to stay out of the ego conflict, power struggles, and negotiations and renegotiations. Decisive parents don’t have to explain themselves, their actions speak for them.
2) Never take it personally.
Never take anything a child does personally. Young men are self-centered to the extreme. They are not considering you, except possibly where it might lead to something more for them. Once you understand this, you can keep your sense of humor. You do not have to play the victim or remind them all you have done for them. Know the animal and don’t be offended when they reach for your resources or for their own independence. They have to. They’re teenagers.
3) No credit. Everything is earned.
Young men are human and want the most resources with the least amount of effort. Do not give a young man anything on credit. It’s a bad model to set and may result in a 40-old boy on your couch 25 years from now. As adults, we must work before we get paid. Everything is earned. This means chores equal computer time or other desired events. (If you do give something on credit do not increase the credit line until the previous credit has been paid in full.) Bribery and deal making are not effective parenting. Rewards are not esteem building. When a child does outstanding work, praise the work, every detail that merits praise. If you think there is a need for improvement then make your statement about that and encourage him to bring it back once the corrections are made.
(over)
4) No special needs.
Because of past history, current learning disabilities, physical issues, whatever they may be, the child is still expected to perform. Do not excuse or lower the standards. Once your son believes he can play the victim card and you’ll go easy on him, you’ve shown him something completely counter to what he’ll experience in the real world. Help him by removing your pity. You might reply “Yep, that’s true you had a rough one, but here’s what’s expected now.”
5) Limits are your responsibility.
Listen as long as you want to a request. But when you say no to your teen, you are saying "I am not talking about this any more.” No means no. No stops meaning no when you continue the discussion after you’ve said no. Then the understanding you are instilling in your son is everything is negotiable. That won’t wash in the bigger world where your young man will experience many nos. A young man who doesn’t know the meaning of no is being set up for criminal behavior. While giving your no, you can feel great about the fact that you are allowing your son practice receiving nos while still in a safe environment.
6) They will not be happy with you. Get over it.
Teenagers fought in and won every major war in history. Yes even the nice, kind, thoughtful, and sensitive ones. They are perfectly capable of taking care of their needs including fixing their own food, washing their laundry, arranging their rides. While you are busy doing for them or explaining the logical reasons behind your actions, they may be nodding, but in actuality they are tapping their foot, waiting to see if they are going to get want they want. They really do not care about reason, logic, fairness or mutual understanding. You do! They care about getting what they want and compromise is experienced as a tolerable loss. Remember; it is your resources they are fighting to get…Do not look for them to be happy with your limits. It’s good to remember that your son needs parents who parent, not more peers. And parents as a group are not popular. Someday, when your son is an adult with his own children, you may get your appreciation. Until then, remember there’s no immediate gratification in parenting.
This article is copyrighted by Mitch DeArmon. To use it in other publications, please contact Vicki at LeadershipWorks, 707-876-3100 or vicki@leadershipshipworks.org.
Posted by Mitch at August 17, 2004 12:32 PMI REALLY APPERCIATE THE BACK UP AND REINFORCEMENT OF THIS ARTICLE.THANK YOU
Posted by: LEE at October 3, 2004 09:34 PMThanks for the insight. It all makes sense.
Ufortunately, all of the text is not visible in this article, it is scrunched up onto itself.
On the link to Mitch's Tips for Parents, the text is corrupted and scrunched up-not readable.
Posted by: Adam Donovan at October 13, 2004 11:01 AMIf you find the text is scrunched up andnot readable, hit your refresh button, as many times as needed. It works!
Posted by: jl at October 16, 2004 10:44 AMHi Mitch, You are so right! Like I said before I have been raising my son by myself since his dad was killed when my son was 3. He is 14. Boy does he ever try manipulation, stomping his feet, being disrespectful, trying to get empathy. I learned all this before years ago by going to couseling with my son. It works. I just walk out and ignore him. I say well you can keep up the act I am not listening until you can talk calm, I will not be disrespected this way. It all depends on you son if you still want to go skating or to the mall, I put it in his hands. He turns an about face and tries sucking up. I just look at him and say you can suck up all you want but until you do your chores you will not go anywhere. If I am a tyrant than so be it. We are not here to please our children, we are here to teach them as well as to learn somethings about ourselves. Too many kids get by with too much. I have money from my husbands death unfortnately I would rather he be here, but make the best of the situation . He will have money when he is 18 I am trying to teach him all these things about life and money and friends, and you know what its great because I have learned alot about myself. I am a great mother no matter what my child says at times. I want good morals and values. When he ask me about what I think about something it makes me feel good. He and I have come along way. Just take the time to really see your son or daughter look and listen to them. We get caught up in the everyday rat race. But so do they. Thank you for all the help.
Posted by: Angela at November 29, 2004 10:22 PMHi Mitch, You are so right! Like I said before I have been raising my son by myself since his dad was killed when my son was 3. He is 14. Boy does he ever try manipulation, stomping his feet, being disrespectful, trying to get empathy. I learned all this before years ago by going to couseling with my son. It works. I just walk out and ignore him. I say well you can keep up the act I am not listening until you can talk calm, I will not be disrespected this way. It all depends on you son if you still want to go skating or to the mall, I put it in his hands. He turns an about face and tries sucking up. I just look at him and say you can suck up all you want but until you do your chores you will not go anywhere. If I am a tyrant than so be it. We are not here to please our children, we are here to teach them as well as to learn somethings about ourselves. Too many kids get by with too much. I have money from my husbands death unfortnately I would rather he be here, but make the best of the situation . He will have money when he is 18 I am trying to teach him all these things about life and money and friends, and you know what its great because I have learned alot about myself. I am a great mother no matter what my child says at times. I want good morals and values. When he ask me about what I think about something it makes me feel good. He and I have come along way. Just take the time to really see your son or daughter look and listen to them. We get caught up in the everyday rat race. But so do they. Thank you for all the help.I forgot to mention my son knows how to do laundry cook some, he mops the floors dust cuts the grass, takes the garbage out etc. You need to know these things for when you are on your own at college. Don't always rely on someone else to do it.
Posted by: Angela at November 29, 2004 10:28 PMI have been helping to raise three kids with my new wife. I love them all very much, but I constantly have trouble with the oldest boy. He's fifteen. However, my biggest struggle is with his mom on discipline. I believe you need to be strong, unwaivering, and direct. I believe in the RULES, not exception or excuses. My wife, though, is very sympathetic and has a guilt complex. I have told her to no end that her son knows this and uses it to his own advantage, but she believes in his innocence, even though he has many times been caught doing wrong. How can I get through to her what must be done to raise this boy properly? How can I make her understand that he is not a special case, and is just like any teenage boy struggling for his own independance? (I remind her all the time that I was once a teenage boy myself)
Posted by: Steve Fleming at December 10, 2004 08:49 AMYou are right Steve but you are not a mother. Unfortunately she is making a poor choice here in lowering the standards for her son. Let her read the "six guidelines, addictive parenting" and perhaps the both of you can attend the "high wire acts" workshop coming up. She could make an appointment with me if you think it might help.
A little humorous side note:
My wife believes in the work I do and has a major part in LeadershipWorks. Still there are times she just needs to hear things from someone else besides me.
Please do yourself a favor and do not take what she is doing personally. You can not fault her for loving her son. Teach her son the values you know are important and he will benefit by that in his late twenties.- Mitch
Just skimming your article, and I am sorry, but why do I need you to tell me how to parent my 15 year old? I have 5 sons from 26 to 10 and between you and me, what you are saying is just plain old parenting. of course you keep your prinicpals, you say no if you see something that is wrong, you never take it personally, they will be mad at you, etc. I had one son that was so mad at me and his father that he did not talk to us for 1 month. It was the quietest month we had that year. But let me also say, that we have hung in there, when it looked like we might kill him, but we didn't. We did put him into the Alternative highschool only becuase we did not agree with the way the highschool was handling things. Their approach was that hey since he is not on a team or anything like that, he must be a druggie, and demanding to drug test him( he passed, nothing at all, not even tobacco).
Well, he was not a druggie,and never was.
The alternative school was not for "bad" kids, just kids who the highschool could not controll, or did not want to controll, or those who did not fit. He graduated with a full highschool diploma, when some of his other friends droppped out. Why? becuase we demanded that he have a highschool diploma, there was no GED, no drop out, you dropped out, you dropped out of the house, no car and you were on your own.
He graduated highschool, gave his diploma to his father saying that he had earned it as much as my son had, now is married, works 50 hours a week, bought a house this summer, and is only 21 years old. He tells his yonger brothers the same thing that we told him, to stay in school, and not to mess us.
was it easy? none of my sons have been easy. My 26 decided to join the Marines came home and is working and going to college, my 23 flunked out of college and did drugs for a little while but decided that it was better to be at home, clean himself up and work then to go into that lifestyle. My 15 year old is an accomplished tuba player in the state, and is just like every one else at 15, a pain in the butt, but follows our rules. My 10 year old is also a great kid, but at one point will be like his older brothers and drive us crazy. But with love, prayers and the right to take away a car, we will survive.
Oh yes, one thing you did not mention, and I feel it is a big part of raising teenage boys, is that you must have a sense of humor. Laughing at some of the things that they do, works better then all the yelling and punishments in the world. NOT at the important stuff, but at the stupid stuff. The stuff where you shake your head and say, "What in the hell were you thinking when you decided to do that? Did you have a momentary loss of sanity, or did God just give you the stupid gene for that moment?" Or one of my favorites to ask, "what part of dumb made this more attractive then being smart?"
I have survived so far, and we have only normal human beings as children. So far so good, So I need to ask, why are you so special that you need to tell me why I should follow what you say?
Posted by: Liz at December 17, 2004 02:22 PMThis is great stuff, Mitch!
Posted by: Miles at December 20, 2004 03:53 PMI really enjoyed your letter and the stories about your sons.
I would just like to make a couple of things clear.
1) I did not say I was special.
2) I did not say that you should follow what I say.
As a matter of fact I want more people to listen to YOU. The biggest problem we have today is that parents with experience, like yourself, do not have a place to let others know what really works with young men. That is exactly what this website is for.
I hope this website never looks like an attack on parents or parenting. Parents in our culture have been so bashed and blamed that many parents are afraid to use each other as a source of good help.
If you would like, Liz please be my guest at the upcoming workshop February 5. Many people need to hear the truth about parenting from someone other than myself. You could really help there.
And again if anything, information etc. on this site seems inaccurate please be specific what it is. This site is here to assist if people need it never to condemn or belittle anyone. Gratefully-Mitch
Mitch,
Sorry if I was a little heavy handed,but there are many of us out there. We are the ones who stand apart from the "goal oriented" parents who must have their children in this club or that organization. We are the ones in the trenches, just trying to survive the best we know how. So many times I hear, "OH MY you have 5 sons, How do you do it?" You just do it. You do what you have to do and don't think about it. When someone asks me how I do it, I usually answer, "How did your parents do it?"
Sometimes I think we second guess ourselves because of the pressure that society places upon us to have the best child or the best son or the best what ever, and if we don't come up to what the society that we are in at that time thinks is the best, we feel like we have failed. I guess my husband and I have learned to take our society from ourselves, and our neighbors that live around us and go from there.
Your site has a whole lot of good information on it. Most of it seems to be just good common sense and parenting sense. When did we lose that? Many times I have asked, when did we stop looking at our selves for the answers and start trusting others instead. I guess being 50 years old this year, has made me really look at things over the years and ask why.
Keep up the good work, As I said in my e-mail to you, I will be celebrating my 28th wedding anniversary on Feb 5th. My husband and I will be home with three of our 5, but our other two will be around sometime that day. Thank you for the invitation though, I am flattered. I am just the Mom here, did some day care mainly for boys for a while and have had many many boys come through the house. Only ONE has ever been banned from our house and that was after we found out that he stole from us. Everyone else has been welcomed and some still come and visit from time to time.
I sub teach in the middle school now, and enjoy it more then anything else now.
Thank you again,
Liz
Posted by: Liz at December 27, 2004 06:56 PMThank you for this article. I love my son, but he is challenging. He's lived with his dad for 9 years, and now I have to deal with the teenage years. We've been together for almost a year now, he's 16 and I'm feeling the pain of it. I can't make him understand how important it is to seek part-time employment and claim his independence. I'm a single mom and he's draining me with the guilt trips. Thank you again your article gives me hope. I know to stay strong in my decisions with him.
Posted by: Tosha at January 4, 2005 04:07 AMThis website is a God-send! I am a single-mom with a 14 year-old boy who is trying my patience on a minute-by-minute basis. He is breaking all the rules of the house and is putting minimal effort into school work, which is hard to watch because he used to be an honor roll student. Being a Mom used to be easier because when I "cracked the whip" he jumped and said "yes, m'am!", and that was all it took for no more rule-breaking.
But since the switch to Jr.High, things seem to be spiraling out of control. I know his behavior is "normal", but it is tough! To have your kid not care that he is grounded (again!)because he has been grounded forever anyway,and sneaking around behind your back is so frustating. He has been getting up, late at night, to get onto porn-sites on the computer, telling me that he has no homework (yea, right!), stealing money from my purse, etc...
I am in constant communication with his teachers now, disabled the computer when I'm not using it, and keep a close tally on where he is and who he is with. But when you are the only adult watching, and you work fulltime +, it's not always easy. Standing your ground is not always easy, either.
Your 6 guidelines have helped me to see that I'm not in this boat alone and that I need to continue being the "tough mom" that I've always been. I was starting to question if I should change my strategy. Go easier on him. It's different when they can argue with you logically - you wonder if you should start treating them with different rules. >
Thank you for your wonderful help and setting up this website...I will be your biggest visitor.
Kristen
Parenting a teenage boy is not easy, whether you are married or divorced or a single parent.
Society is changing the dynamics of everday life. It used to be that we had grandparent and great grandparents and respect for the family unit.
It isnt just teenage boys making life difficult. Life can be difficult no matter what.
It has to do with support system. One needs to have neighbors who are friendly and that will keep an eye out for you and visa versa. We have to have friendly co-workers and family that supports us as well as we support them.
I am not saying that society is going to hell... What I am saying is that in a lot of circles these very things are not in place. For some people it is a get them before they get you or even just the rude attitude when you make a comment about something.
I am very thankful for my job and the people I work with. I fortuneately work with some positive, strong values and work ethics. You may say thats great in all... I say this is a blessing, because I have worked in jobs that do not support the family and when your child is sick or the school calls and needs to have you pick up your child or needs to meet with you that your employer allows you do do so without giving you the guilt treatment.
I am a single parent of two lovely children. I work very hard to raise them with good values and to be responsible for their actions and to be careful.
I myself have used that very line "how do you do it" I always say I have two, I dont know what I would do if I had more than that. I have friends who have three, four and five kids. I tell them how much Credit I give them for this.
a long time ago, I struggled alone and did not speak to anyone about the struggles of raisning a child by myself. Then one day a situation occured and I needed to speak to someone and talk it out. I was told that a parent needs a network and that you need support form other parents.
It has been many years latter since I was told to network. I cant stress enough importance on that statement.
I give many thanks to Mitch and Vicki for creating this website and for all that they do. They put alot of effort into their worksops and mentoring programs and Buffalo camps and private counseling session.
I know this becasuse I used their services personally. I am gratful for this resource and they are a great network to which I direct other parents to often. I do not think we can have too many resources or too many people in our network. This is what we have to offer and it is a great cycle if we share what we know and are open to ( and not defensive) to what others have to offer then we can make it through the day. THanks.
Posted by: Queen of 2 Ps at January 11, 2005 10:35 AMMy son is 17 yrs. old. He was expelled from high school the day before thanksgiving 2004 for assaulting a student (another boy). He told me that he punched this boy for getting his friend expelled from school. I told him that was a very stupid reason for punching this boy. He has to go to court for assault because the parents pressed charges. He has finished the remaining semister of school at home. This coming semister he does not have to return because he already has all of his credits to graduate. He will go back in June to walk across the stage. My son was leaving his job the other night and was jumped by two boys in the parking lot. They pretty much beat him up because of what he did to the boy he punched in school. He will not tell me who they were and said that he will get revenge. I don't want him to get in trouble with the law or possibly get hurt or killed. To my understanding these kids are inner city kids and carry weapons. I want to call the law and press charges but he won't tell me who they are. It takes all I have to keep him working and out of trouble. But he is so mad about getting beat up that it scares me.
Posted by: Brenda at January 11, 2005 10:42 AMBrenda, first of all you are in charge of your child, so call the law. He is still 17 and still a minor and at least call someone out to talk to him.
Second, I would insist that he finish the year, but not in that school. does your school have an alternative school or something like that? That is where Ben, my 3rd son went. I think the fact that we insisted that he go every day to some school was probably the best thing to show him that we were serious. If you are worried about his safety, then he needs to talk to the law, and find a different spot to finish out his senior year.
The fact that he was beat up after work also shows that he can not "hide" from these people and they must be stopped. if they just beat him up this time, what is to stop them from shooting him the next time.
You must take the step and talk to the law about what you know. That way at least they will be aware of what is going on.
Liz
Posted by: Liz at January 12, 2005 12:53 PMI could use some advice. My son is getting a "D' in geography and an "F" in english. Though I work closely with his teachers, he is in a public school and they are busy. When asked why he doesn't do his work..his answer is "I don't want to". (original, huh?) I can not force him to bring home his homework - I've tried. I've tried to get his teachers to e-mail me...this is sporatic in it's success. I've tried weekly progress reports, daily homework assignment signing...nothing is working. He just refuses to cooperate. What do you do when you come up against this? He's been grounded since 8th grade, it seems like. He's always doing some kind of punishment chore...nothing is working.
He's 14 and in 9th grade. He is very smart...when he wants to be. HELP!
Kristen
Kirsten,
I feel for you and have had some difficulties with my own son on this very issue. Intelegent children can sometimes outsmart themselves.
We as parents want the best for our children and when that child is not being responsible for their own actions, we as parents feel it is our responsibilty to make them be resonsible.
When your child is little this is of major importance, but when your child gets older and wants more independence it is up to the child to take on more responsibility.
The problem happens when we as parents get all involved in trying to make our child responsible and that child refuses. It is like dragging a horse to water and trying to make it drink.
I added a line to this that my son knows...You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink, isn't is a shame that the horse died of dehydration.
The other saying is: doing nothing is making a decision.
when our children want independence they also need to be held accountable for their actions.
Mitch has a whole section on this. Check out the aarchieves. He has a lot of helpful suggestions.
What works for me in this situation was to let my son face the consequences of his actions...hence not doing his homework or doing a report.
I stopped getting upset or panicing at the last minute and running around trying to help him complete his project that he left to the last minute.
It may sound harsh to not help your child out in a pinch, but this is how they need to learn to be responsible and accountable otherwise we are enabiling or child and doing them a huge diservice in the long run.
If a child doesnt learn how to be responsible for his actions and we as parents cater to them and help them with everything then that child doesnt learn how to do it on his own. It will be detrimental to everyone.
One other thing: Do this child have privileges such as T.V, Game system( gameboy, playstation) VCR, DVD, Cell phone, CD player?
All of these things are privileges. It has gotten out of control that children feel it is a parents obligation to provide all sorts of entertainment, but then cant figure out how to get our children to be responsible and do what is asked of them.
It is necessary to teach our children that they need to be responsible and earn those privileges. If they dont do what they need to do...such as homework, chores,using the internet, coming home at curfew time, socializing with friends etc.. then they dont get to use the privileges.
I have taken away my son's forms of entertainment and I have taken away that source of disrespect in my household. Granted he still challenges me often, and that is expected of any child, but it isnt that caotic, out of balance household. It is a better functioning and healthier household for all involved.
It doesnt fix itself overnight (for it didnt happen overnight either) It does take effort, but it is worth it in the long run.
I am a parent who has gotten sucked into that trap and it has taken a while to get out of it. It is a learning process and we as parents have to work at it on a daily basis.
Remember we are human also. Network with other parents and resources such as this website and the great workshops that Leadershipworks puts on.
Posted by: Queen of 2 Ps at January 14, 2005 11:10 AMThank you Queen of 2 Ps -
What you said about running around frantically to help him get in a report he left for the last minute really hit home. We both only got 4 hours of sleep the other night because of this scenerio exactly. And I ended up typing up the whole report for him after he had to rewrite the whole thing. I am a big advocate of making him learn his own lesons - but for some reason, school didn't fit into that picture. I don't want to see him flunk - and that is what is happening in English. I have felt it is my responsibility as his parent to see to it that he do his work - so I literally play "cop" and require him to show proof of "no homework" etc...
But I feel you are right in that I should just back off now and let him face the consequences of his actions of not doing his work. It is so hard to know when you step in and when you don't. I am a horrible "micro-manager"...and need all your helpful advice.
What other sites are there like this? I absolutely love this site!
Kristen
Kirsten,
I'm glad that this information was helpful. That is the great thing about networking. It is a win-win situation. I am a huge believer and advocate for networking.
As for other websites as this one, I do not know of any. This one is an awesome one and it is a tangible one because they are involved in the community and have worksops and mentoring programs all the time. They are truely there for your young man and for you as well.
I whole heartedly support Leadership works.
The only other information that I can offer is my own personal recommendations to books.
Dr. James Dobson has some great books out. I have read them and have taken a lot of the information to heart and use. The best one is called "Raising Boys"
There are also other books out there...but I dont remember the author.
"Parenting isnt for superheros"
Dr. Phil has a book out that I Thought was great and it is called "Self Matters"
I know he has another book out, but I havent read yet, it is called "Family First"
These are all great avenues to check out. Network with this site, the workshops, books, and other parents.
Remember not to get down on yourself or to get discouraged when things do not always work out the way you had hoped.
Practise makes perfect... who ever said that with education that it will work the first time out.
Your son is also a individual. Whoever said change is easy? Sometimes it can take awhile...persistence is the key and holding your ground is vital.
Your son will not like change, especially if it means that the caos that was going on is no longer accepted and he is to be held accountable.
We as parents also have to be accountable for our actions too. All to often, our child will push our buttons and we react ( sometimes not in a good way) and then our child will retort back and make the whole situation our fault.
It is hard to be a parent sometimes, but we are the role model for them and we have to do all we can to be the best possible possitive role model.
It sometimes means that our child doesnt like us or thinks that we are the worst parent in the world because they cant do what the other kids in the area can. Just because so and so can stay outside until 10:30 pm , does that mean it is in the best intrest of that child? I dont think so. How is that child going to do well with his education if he is out galvanting that late at night. School starts at anywhere from 8:15 to 8:40 am and for those who catch the bus it can mean 7:30 am. I cant see how a child can function well on less than 6 hours of sleep.
As a parent, I myself dont do well if I do not get enough sleep. I tell my son that I need my down time before going to bed and that I dont want to be up waiting for him to come in.
It is scarey out there and often dark. Kids think they are invincible and do not think that something bad can happen while just hanging out or just going to a favorite hang out.
As parents we are legally responsible for our children until they reach 18. (as a mother I always say to my children It doesnt matter how old you get I will always love you and be concerned about your well being... it is part of being a parent. That doesnt change ever.)
So why is it that we as parents think it is ok or required to allow our children to be out so late at night or whatever the situation is. It is our responsibility as parents to watchout for our children and be the adult and asses the situations.
For example. A child should be allowed the freedom to hang out with friends with the check in and letting the parent know where they are and what time they will be back. ( I had to set a few rules that I stick to and make him do so also or privileges are taken away. My son calls me at work when he gets home from school and tells me what his plans are. He then checks in when I get home and then is in for dinner. ( if he chooses to skip dinner he is allowed, but with the understanding that the kitchen is closed and he will have to wait until morning to eat.)
He has a curfew of 8:00 pm and if he is late, then he doesnt get to watch T.V or a movie.
These may sound harsh, but it is effective in our household and these suggestions were given to me by my network of other mothers and the books that I have read.
It is all about trying things out and adapting it to your family and what works best. Only you know yourself and your child or children. At the same token, if you had tried something and it didnt work, take a good hard look at why it didnt work... it may have failed because of the dynamics/ structure was tested and we gave in or fell back into an old routine that sabotages the dynamics of the household.
I personally have experienced this and it something to keep in check.
Happy reading, networking and perserverence
Posted by: Queen of 2 Ps at January 21, 2005 12:24 PMI have a 13 year old and a 7 month old (both boys). Although my older son has longed for a sibling for a long time and I am sure that he appreciates finally being a big brother, I believe that there may be a little bit of jealousy. He has been use to getting all of my attention for 12 and a half years . Well, now that has changed. Because the father has to be away for a while, my hands are tied and I can't possibly give my older son all the attention that I use to.
I believe that the jealousy shows in his rebellious behavior. Since the birth of my younger child I have seen my older son show me disrespect, disobedience, and attitude like never before. He has also gone from honor student to practicly failing in school. Not at all due to lack of intelligence because that, he has a lot of but there are countless missing assignments noted on his report card. I have repeatedly taken away his privileges and grounded him along with a multitude of lectures about respecting your mother and being responsible but he'd only continue to behave in the same way that got him grounded in the first place. Feeling that I was not being taken seriously, and that he didn't care about having his video game disconnected and being put away or not being able to talk to his friends on the phone, use the computer, ride his bike, etc. I went to the extremes of getting rid of every thing he had that was considered a privilege (video games, CDs and CD Roms, toys, bike, anything that was not nourishment, clothing or educational tools.
Of course he resented my actions and for a while his attitude got even worse but I told him that I will not be disrespected in this house and I will do what ever I feel is neccessary to make sure that he grows up to be a responsible adult and I will also do what ever I feel is neccessary to get him to take me seriously. I explained to him that no matter how successful he becomes as an adult, there is always going to be someone who will serve as an authority figure whether it's an instructor, supervisor, boss or CEO of a company. Even if he is his own boss he would still need to know how to respect the needs of the people that his business serves. For now I am the boss and God is our CEO and it is my obligation to teach him how to know where he stands and how to conduct him self when he goes out into the REAL world as a grown man. Every thing is not going to always go his way and he's not always going to get what he wants and rebelling and getting a nasty attitude will only make things worse for him. I also explained to him that even though I am always busy with the baby, he is still special and I love them both the same but the baby is not as self sufficient as he is so for a while, He will need more of my supervision.
After talking to him a few times, he has improved some. And his attitude seems to be a little better. But I can't help feeling guilty. I do not want him to ever feel that I am neglecting him. I once heard one of the wayans brothers mention that even though their mother had 9 or 10 children, she still had a way of making every one of them have their moment as the baby in the family. How in the world can that be accomplished. Can someone please share some advice for my situation. or if there is someone who may have a situation that is like mine, I'd like to hear about it. Also, I'd like to thank you Mitch, for this web site. This is my very first time visiting and just reading over the letters from you and other parents has given me some insight and let me know that I am not alone!
I hope that some one else can read my article and get something out of it as well.
Carol
Carol,
I am glad that you found this website. It is a very informative one and a useful tool.
First of all I am a single parent and have two children also. ( one of which is a 13 year old male)and I am here to tell you that all is not lost and there is hope.
Mitch is having a huge event on Saturday
February 5, 2005 at the Luther Burbank Center in Santa Rosa. It costs $50 and it will be money well spent. call 876-3100 to register. I highly recommend it.
If you cant attend, then maybe you can attend another one in the future.
Mitch also has some awsome programs for males and you could sign your son up for one of them. It is a great avenue for your son and it can actually be a benefit to the whole family. Check out this site because mitch explains all the programs available.
Now as for your son who is giving you disrespect, lip and grief, and you are feeling guilty. Dont let guilt rule you...it is a no win situation if you give in to guilt. Dont also blame it soley on jealousy, because it most likely is because your son is almost a teenager and that comes with the territory.
It could be due to jealousy, but I doubt it is the sole reason.
You didnt mention what happened to the father. That may have a huge impact on your eldest son. Check out the archives.
Mitch has a great section on why fathers are important. If the father is out of the picture for awhile, I highly recommend getting your son signed up in Mitch's "Men of Honor" program.
I cant stress the importance of networking and attending workshops and gaining knowledge of what to do as parents of our sons.
As mothers we love our children and give all we can or try to atleast. Males are wired differntly and no matter what we do we can not take the place of a n important male or males in our son's lives.
Mitch once told me that a mother cannot be both a mother and father...if you are trying to be both, then you are being half a parent and the child is losing/ missing out on a whole parent. Wow!!
I am now a whole mom and not trying to be more than one person.
Keep up the good work
Posted by: Queen of 2 Ps at January 26, 2005 05:20 PM
Thank you Queen of 2 Ps for your informative response. I agree that it could be more than just jealousy. He is in juniour high now. That means new school, new environment, peer pressure and then there's puberty. He has just stepped into a whole new phase in his life. There are a lot of changes going on in his personal life right now. I pray that this is just a short phase and as he gets adjusted to the changes, I'm counting on God to prepare me in knowing how to deal with him as the years go by and that we would ultimately have a healthy and positive mother and son relationship. I really like what you said about trying to be both parents. That is so deep and it makes so much sense! I believe that I could safely say that all of us as mothers would much rather give our children our whole selves instead of only half of our selves while trying to compensate for the other parent. I had never thought about it that way before. Thank you for sharing that with me. Thanks again for your response.
Carol
Posted by: carol at January 26, 2005 10:01 PMCarol,
I'm glad that you found my reponse informative.
I also have a great book recommendation for you to check out. He is a great christian author by the name of Dr.James Dobson "raising boys"
It is a wonderful, informative, and humorous book. It will be a great resource for you as a mother of two boys. It will be of great benefit for you as well as your boys and they wont even know it.
As mothers we want the best for our children and we are blessed with these lovely little ones and do all that we can for them. It is not apparent when our little boys are little and then it starts to creep up when theyget older and then whamo they turn 13 and we dont know what happened.
Well the thing is males are wired differently than females. This is why it is important to network with other parents, this wonderful resosurce that Mitch and Vicki have created( the website, the mentoring, the workshops)and of course reading great books and lets not forget putting these things to a test and hopefully it works like a charm.
The days of Ozzie & Harriette and the Cleavers are in the past. So much has changed since I was a child.
I look back at my childhood and think what a simpiler time it was. There is so much going in in this world that bombards our children now days that it makes being a parent and raisnig good children a much harder task.
It is imparative that we as parents keep in tuned to the world around us and be active in our childrens lives.
I used to get overwhelmed with just trying to make it day to day and it was exhausting. I know first hand how a few poor choices can effect your life and the lives of your children. I am a wiser person and have learned from those experiences. This is why I have become such an advocate for making wise choices and teaching my kids to do the same.
We as parents are the ones who should be the positive role models for our children and not leave them to what is out there in the world, the movies,video games, and whomever they come in contact with each day.
My son tells me to get with the 21st century and not to be so old fashioned. Its as if being old fashioned is such a bad thing.
My son and his friends know that if you act disresspectful or are out right harmful in anyway in my home then you are not welcomed / allowed in my home. My son doesnt always like it and has told me so. I have had to hold my ground and say to my son, I am not your friend I am your mother.
There is so much bad stuff in this world that if were not careful we can lose sight of the good.
It is so sad and heart wrenching to read in the news that a young teenager or group of teens were injured or worse killed because of the youths inexperience with driving or having too much horsepower under the hood. What is even sadder is when these teens do not have a curfew or that thier driving privileges were not taken away because of their having a record of excessive speeding.
I require a curfew because it is important to me and that when youre an adult then you are legally responsible for your actions. If I am legally responsible, then you need to be home at a reasonable hour.
We as parents can make possitive choices in our lives and as well as our children. We can choose the stuff that we watch on tv and the type of people we associate with and the way we expect to be treated.
We do not need to just go with the flow. We are in control of our values and ethics and our home environment. It is a choice and we dont need to just be an ostrich with our head in the sand and let our children do whatever is the in thing.
I am for the simpilar good ol times.
Happy reading.
We have been looking for our son for almost 3 years now. We lost him when he was 15 years old.. There is someone here but it just can't be the son we cherished since he was born. This imposter is intent on ruining his life and ours. His cognitive testing scores show him in the 89-93 percentile yet his class rank is 608 out of 621 students. His GPA is 0.6. He had 50 truancies last year. I believe he still smokes marijuana even though he says he doesn’t. He has lied so much I never know what to believe. He steals $ from us and then looks us STRAIGHT in the eyes and denies it. He has threatened us physically. He has 2 older sisters who did well in highschool and are now in college. The same highschool has given up on him because he is so deceitful. I believe they are just sick of all his lies and I believe they consider him to be a big pain in the rear. Teachers want to help those who want help.
He doesn’t care about anything other than what he wants this very second. He thinks a career will just happen with no work on his part. Sometimes it seems like the reasoning part of his brain is gone.
He has been raised to have morals and integrity but he has none. Sometimes he just makes me sick. He takes and takes and then takes some more. I have never said this to him but he could be the poster child for being a loser.
We have had psychological testing performed and the only diagnosis is anxiety with possible depression. He is on Concerta and Prozac. He went to counseling for about 6 weeks but refused to talk to the counselor.
After reading this I am surprised how angry I sound. I guess that is what three years of worry, stress and sleepless nights can do. My husband handles it better than I do, maybe because he was a teenage boy at one time.
How can you help someone you love when they reject everything and everyone other than their other loser friends? Many times I don’t feel like I can face another day.
michelle
Well, this is my dilema. I have always been a very stern mom and have believed and enforced that if you want something, you've got to earn it. Due to lies, deceit and poor grades my son has been grounded from everything for about 3 years. Really. If he shows slight improvement, i will give him a reward of something (T.V, Computer etc...)just to remind him how nice it is to have these freedoms and rewards. However, almost immediately, he is grounded again for one of the above offenses and we're back to square one. Lately, he has begun to ditch classes and not do any homework. Though I hold to my threats and am very firm on punishments...he doesn't seem to care. He continues to do as he wants - which is the laziest way out. I am at such a loss as to what to do. Nothing seems to work. What does it take?? He doesn't care if he can't go out with friends or watch T.V. I am so fatigued from playing "cop". To make matters worse - his High School doesn't hold kids responsible for their actions by giving them "D"s when they deserve "F"s and to flunk. They won't hold them back! So what do you do then? I'm so frustruated (I'm a single, fulltime working Mom)I just want to send him off somewhere where someone else will do the job I seem to be failing at. >
Posted by: Kristen at February 24, 2005 08:03 PMI just found your site and feel like there is hope for my frusterations. I have an 18 year old boy and a 13 year old girl, and while I thought the boy was hard headed, I now realize that the girl will be much worse. We, my husband and I have always been strong diciplinarians, and both have been known as the "general". It helps that there is still leverage after "Santa" like the computer, video games and now the car. I have always believed that if you keep your kids busy, sports, music, etc. they will have less time to get in trouble. On their own, my kids both have excelled in sports, and music, and we are very proud. Hence the problem. My husband and I are having marriage problems ( Right before our 20th anniversary) and the kids feel this tension, and are using it to their advantage. I want to keep the srandard of chores being done, homework, then their free time being used as they want, but their dad sides with them, mostly the 18 year old boy, and says "he's an adult now let him do what he wants" In my book this is bunk. It is still my house not the kids and when I ask them to do something I want it done in the near future, not when this "adult" boy, decides to do it. Their chores are minimal, so when I ask for help doing something, I want it done now not, when ever the heck they want to do it. The major problem as I see it is that their is a discrepancy in my husbands and my ideals now. I was the one to tell him (the 18 year old) about the birds and the bees, not him, and I have begged him to still talk to him even now on the topics of girls, and sex, but he thinks he already knows this by now and doesn't want to hear it from his dad now that he's 18. I think this is bull. I know it's better late than never, and I also know I have talked with him often about things, but I think he needs to hear it from his dad. Another problem is that when I hand out a punishment to him now, like a grounding or whatever the case may be, his Dad lets him get away with it and says go ahead and go out, It gets me so angry that he always does this and I have no recourse but to yell and scream like a banchee, and then I get accused by both of them that I am having hormonal problems. They haven't seen nothing yet, and I'm concerned how my 13 year old is viewing everything that goes on. Help.
Posted by: Lisa at March 10, 2005 05:49 AMWow! It seems like you're being bombarded right now.
1. Are you and your husband getting any mariage counseling or are you just taking it day to day ?
2. The fact that your husband is siding with your children and undermining you in front of your children is definitely not a good thing.
3. In my book if your children are to be considered an adult (18+) then they should help pay rent and food and such.
The fact that your husband is now not backing you up and is undermining you in front of your children is not good and is very diruptive to the environment of the household. Have you talked openly with your husband about this?
If you do not feel you can or do not know how without getting into an argument then maybe you need to get in touch with a counselor who can listen to you. Keeping this all bottled up is not good for you or anyone in the family. Sometimes it helps to talk and get it out.
Talking with Mitch is also a good thing and can be very helpful also.
Posted by: Queen of 2 Ps at March 10, 2005 11:32 AMI am a foster parent for over 30 years and deal only with boys between the ages 11-19 years of age. You have an amazing amount of information on your site, and whenever I doubt myself with a teenagers behaviour I come to your site...get confirmation that I am doing the right thing.
I have the disadvantage of not having the child move in at an early age, the addiction is there, the "it's not my fault syndrome" and the not taking responsibility for their own behaviour.
Tempertandrums, for months they have them until they realize that they don't have the expected response from me.
Right now I am dealing with a 12 year old drug addict and alcoholic. He also has ADHD, and Aspergers Syndrome.......destruction of property is getting better since I hold him responsible for it. But still we are not going forward, it seems for now we are at a standstill and I hope this will be the about turn I hope for.
But most likely he is not done yet.
Your survival guide is very much like mine, every time I walk away and say " deal with it", my house almost explodes.But I still walk away...
Anyway I wanted to let you know that in my "dark hours" or whenever I read your articles they make me feel better - ready to face another day.
Posted by: Iris at March 21, 2005 05:54 PMwhere is the refresh button??? Then when I am able to read it all I can then make a valid comment!! Thank you
Posted by: kathy at March 21, 2005 09:04 PMTHANKS QUEEN OF 2 P'S
My husband just agreed on going to counciling, although I think it might be too late...I am trying to be optimistic. I have laid down some rules (yet again) that I think might help. If after saying one thing one time it is not done he does not get to use the car that night. It is after all in my name. I have also started to walk away, even after I was told I would never be a cool mom, unless I kept my mouth shut...( that one stung a little bit), but i then said that's ok, I don't have to be cool. we are tyring to work this out...keep all your fingers crossed for me...
Lisa,
I am glad to hear that you and your husband are going to go to counceling. Do not sell yourself or your husband short by saying it may be too late. The fact that you are both willing to go to counseling means there is still a chance to make this mariage work.
Remember that counseling is to help both of you and not to "fix" this or that. It can be a very rewarding experience for yourself and hopefully for your partner as well.
As for the setting rules again. This is a challenging one. It is a part of parenting. I wish I could say that there is a quick fix, but there isnt. Set your rules and then stick to them. Also have set consequences also. This is a key factor here.
Check out the January archives. Mitch has some great points.
As for this "cool mom" thing, dont sweat it. That too is a part of parenting. My son told me that none of his friends likes me because of the way I am.... I told him that I didnt care and That I am not here to be all chummy with his friends, I am his parent. Basically you are only "cool" or well liked if you do what they want or have food that they like to eat. Once you you go against the tide you are no longer "cool."
On the lighter side, you might want to check out a group of books. "Zits", "Teenage Tales" "Dont roll your eyes at me young man" all by author Jerry Scott & Jim Borgman. These are great comical books. It makes you laugh and is a humorous outlet. Check it out. It will help you see that you are not the only one dealing with the life of a teenager.
Posted by: Queen of 2 Ps at March 30, 2005 09:41 AMLisa
I have a couple of questions.
Are you sure you are having a change of hormones? Is it possible your husband is having a change of hormones?
My actual concern here is the statement "I have no recourse but to yell and scream." That is a little immature for an adult. It is as though you think you are not in charge of your emotions and you will use them to control your household. Now that it does not bother your son, or at least control him, it looks like you are struggling with a sense of powerlessness. Has your home been controlled by your emotional outbursts...or the fear of them?
Sometimes when we feel out of control we try to get back in control by quitting something--like marriage. Divorce will destroy your children and their future but it may feel like you have some control for a while. Afterwards you will still have to live with yourself and the responsibility of detroying your children's lives. Blaming others for this will quit working.
Relax. Breathe. This situation is average and there is way too much being put on it. Calm down!
Focus on the type of woman you want your daughter to be. If the big monkeys are not chewing on the furniture, relax...life is good.
Your daughter needs your attention now, not your husband or son. Love her by the example you set for her. Raising a daughter can bring up alot of difficult emotions for a mother. Love her anyway.
Hope this helps.
Hi. Just found this great site by accident. We are sitting down tonight with my 18 year old step-son to get our household rules on the table (actually on paper for him to sign) since he has decided to remain in our home rather than go back to live with his "other" family in texas. (We are in CA) I have been sitting here all day writing out all of the rules we expect him to followi n order to be a permanant member of our household. He has moved here since he graduated, moved back home, moved back here, then last week he was wanting to move back to TX again until he told us yesterday he decidede he would like to stay. WHEW!!!!
Some of my rules are:
Be respectfull of other members of the household.
Place laundry in the basket in the laundry room or it will be droped off at fluff'n fold and he has to pay to get it back.
Pick up after himself...if he eats clean up, if he sleeps in it make it up, if he drops it, pick it up etc...
he must enroll in one 3 unit college coarse and maintain a C average.
Every time his room is left a mess, he'll be charged $10.
Every time he smart mouths one of his parents, that's $20
He is responsible for paying $300 a month for rent to live here (7% of our mortgage)
Am I being unreasonable to attempt to teach him how to be a man. No one else ever has and how do we ever expect him to be able to live on his own if we do not teach him NOW?!
Okay, so we have a 9 year old son, and a 5 yr old daughter. The 18 year old is rude, sarcastic, unloving, unappreciative and mopes around as if the world has collapsed on him if he is not getting his way!
One of Our rules is a minimum of 6 months, 1x per week of therapy for him to work out his feelings about his parent (all 4 of us)and himself and the world in general. He comes from a home where talking did not matter, hugs did not matter, feelings did not matter and when he was only 6 he was put on Ridilin after being diagnosed with ADHD by his family physician. ( When I asked his mom about taking him to see a child psychologist prior to medicating him she said they did not do that in their family....Just a little info for all of you.
Well, my husband and I are raising our children with love, emotional security, respect, firmness, positive reinforcement and all of the things we feel they need to be happy, well adjusted, moral members of society and our family. Not always easy, but I hear it gets worse! YIKES!
The 18 year old has no respect for anyone, is nasty to the kids, has blown out speakers in my new car, comes home late, left messes everywhere he goes and is saying things like "What's your point?!" in the rudest voice.....I am tempted to throw his butt on a plane and sent him back to TX but I feel for him for what he has experienced as a child all of those years.
He is working full time for our construction company with his Das, and goes out with new friends on the weekends. Am I asking for too much? Am I wrong to want him to speak to the kids the way we do? Am I wrong to want to slap him? (He came from a hitting household, we are not a hitting household, but I am tempted...He stands 6feet 3 inches tall and looks like a man...but acts like a 13 year old. I can't believe I am unable to deal with this...After all Psych was my major....I think that actually gives me a disadvantage here. It would help more if I was once a boy! LOL Any advice?
Jodi
Mitch...or anyone, please help!
Like most of you, I have "found" this site after an exasperating search for help. I am a 38y/o, mom of a 15y/o boy & a 11 y/o girl. I am seriously STRUGGLING w/ my boy and am at a loss of what to do. What's weird is that I've always felt confident as a parent and had that "mother's instinct" but it is GONE...my son destroyed it about a yr ago. Like many of you, my boy is rude, uncaring, mean to me and his sister, is failing several classes and just got off of 6mo. probation for marijuana use. He's in a Teens at Risk program, but what gets me is that his counselor said he's "not as bad as the others he sees," so he only "needs to see him 1x per month." It's crazy, since my son is at a prime place to receive help. Within 2 wks of successfully completing his probation, he smoked pot AGAIN! I begged his P.O. NOT to let him off supervision, but his PO said there were no serious violations. Two days ago my son slammed my car door and screamed, "F*** YOU!!" to my face. We'd been having a strict discussion about his behavior and he didn't like what I had to say -- which was about that temper of his and about actions and reactions, etc. So, he is grounded from all things fun for 1wk and has to do a lot of work around here. He has a lot of pent up anger & told me that's why he likes pot - it mellows him out. He also told me after he's 18, he's gonna smoke it whenver he pleases, (y'all can imagine what I said to that -- "don't call me to bond you out, pal!") Anyway, I AM a strict mother who commands respect, but it's not working anymore. I took him on a vacation this summer, just the 2 of us, and it was super. We laughed, we talked, and had a great time. Last night I took him alone for Chinese food to explain more about the rules, about how he's 15 now and what's expected of him. I also told him about rewards...and consequences. I also tried to throw in a lot of compliments, but he said he hates it when I do that...(?) Dinner was going real well until he coyly asked if I'd let him off grounding 2 days early, and I said "No way", and then he turned MEAN. He told me he didn't care about me, his grades, his future, etc., and that he may run away, and on and on. His dad left us when he was 9, remarried and has a stepson who lives w/ him. My son's dad only sees him once a month. I KNOW my son feels a ton of rejection and hurt, and in turn does not care about himself very much. He has NO plans of college or a "decent" job, no ambition whatsoever and many times has said things (in anger) like "Why should I care about myself? It doesn't matter." He also states, "My dad has never been here for me, so why should I care about him?" I'm sure everyone thinks counseling is the answer, but we've tried a few therapists, and the last two "dismissed" him as he refused to cooperate. He even spent 3 days in a psych hosp., but manipulated everyone there so well that they let him out earlier than planned. He, as others, scored VERY high on the state assessments and is also a very good songwriter and musician. We've done Alternative School too. I am at the point now where it's time to step up the help options. I am willing to send him somewhere - even thought of the Utah Boys Ranch, but when I mentioned doing that, he threatened #1) to kill himself, and #2) that I'd NEVER see him again. So, y'all can imagine who is losing sleep down here in East Texas! I'm trying SO hard to be "stronger" than he is, but I feel very scared and unsure of myself. He's a very handsome blonde, blue eyed kid who could have it all, but wants none of it. He simply does not care. He has threatened to move to his fathers, which I'm okay with, but when I asked his dad about it, he acted like it would be a HUGE inconvenience. He didn't have the guts to just say "no" so he skated around it until I grew sick of it and hung up. I feel so sorry for my kid, as he knows the truth re: his dad, and I've tried like crazy to protect him, but he's too old now. He can see what goes on. So...if ANY of you know of any good places where boys can learn (a) self-esteem, (b) respect (c)a place that has school, and (d) that can help w/ depression, etc., please let me know. Thank you all so much and God bless.
