April 13, 2004
Boys Need Men
Our society has lost its sense of value in the male to male relationship and has tried to understand it through the feminine mode of relationships.
Many of the things men need to do together are seemingly senseless and irresponsible. Howeer, it is important that they do them. Exclusive male ritual and aggressive interactivity are mandatory for a healthy male psyche.
Male aggression is on every level: mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual and this aggression needs to be addressed and worked with in an aggressive manner. Pacifiying this aggression only leads to unconscious aggravation which is acted out in unconscious and unreasonable violence.
In defining aggression, I mean direct confrontation with the same energy the aggravation is occurring at. When a confused adolescent is giving long explanations justifying his behavior, meeting that explanation with strong values of conduct is demanding more discipline from the young man, rather than indulging him in his own confusion. Young men must be treated as if they know how to socialize, rather than our current method of emotionally indulging them. They want clear cut directions, not to be abandoned to figure it out for themselves and do it alone. This is what men provide.
Dealing with young men as individuals as we might do in one-on-one therapy or within the confines our own families perpetuates the confusion, aggravation and isolation that causes the violence. This is further seen by the success rate or rather the lack of success of therapy on men. Dealing with young men individually does not give them the connection they are looking for in a social structure. Psychotherapy works for women on a much larger scale than it works for men.
It is up to older men to be consistent with their values, behavior, and practices, because this is what young men will trust more than emotional dialog.
If a woman intervenes in this process, the young man will make demands of women that she cannot fulfill. She will be expected to provide emotional understanding. Yet having a woman explain to him her feelings to understand his own adds to his confusion and rage. The names we put to feelings for men and wome are the same, but they are not experienced the same.
For men, a conversation and dialog about feelings takes a young man so far away from himself, he will be left to unconsciously act out his feelings, rather than creatively express them.
Through the ages, the rage and confusion of adolescence has been talked about, but our society has chosen to quit dealing with the rage by developing intellectual explanations that make the person giving them feel better, but give the receiving person little to sustain himself.
Keeping men and boys together has been very low on the priority list for our culture. I believe in mentoring and initiation for young men by adult men for all of the reasons discussed above. It serves the young man. And it serves the society by delivering a man of integrity where there once was a boy.
Hi Mitch, I think you are right. But I also think that they still should be watched at a distance as to whom they hang out with. My son is 14 and I have been raising him by myself since he was 3 when his dad was killed in a tragic accident. I am the oldest in my family of 4 girls and one boy. There have been no real male role models, but he has turned out fine.He has ADHD with oppositional defiant disorder and is on Concerta, He makes A's & B's and always has since kindergarten. I even had a counselor suggest a college intern to help with my son but that did not work out, the guy always wanted me to come along, and ended up making me feel uncomfortable. I need all the help I can get at this point. We are very close and I want him to be able to come to me for support. I give him his freedom and at the same time keep my eyes and ears open. I watch what he does on the computer but still give him room to grow. It is extremely hard for us mothers who do not have a choice. I want the best for him but I know he needs to make mistakes and I do allow it, because he is not perfect and neither am I. So any help you might give me, " A strong white independant 44 year old 5ft 3 inch headstrong woman," would be great. I can hold my own, but I do admit I need help with this one. LOL Thank you in advance for your time.
Sincerely
Do you have any suggestions on raising a sometimes sweet, sometimes beligerant 11 year old girl, who sometimes goes off the wall in yelling that I don't love her, that I hate her. She does this when I tell her "no, you can't do that". Then her mother gets involved and says, "you could have handled that differently."
I am convinced that this adopted girl hates the fact that we adopted her. She always says at times like this that it would be better if she was dead. Please when you answer this don't use my name or send your reply to my house. Tony
If she is willing then you got a chance. If she is not then you are in for a difficult time. You can lead a horse to water, but you cant make them drink.
I know of one place that may be able to help. Call this # and check it out. I do not know this one personally though. Heather Eckrich-bone at
707-337-0468 It is a group/ worksop for girls. Check it out.
If that doesnt work, then check out counseling or if there is anything in her school.
Hope that helps out
Posted by: Queen of 2 Ps at January 27, 2005 04:02 PMTony,
It is unfortunate but it seems as though children who were once abandoned, or removed from their parents try periodically to get anyone who cares for them to recreate that abandonment.
First, try to let go of the "adopted girl" mentality. If you adopted her she is YOUR daughter. Not once removed because of biology, which a child can pick up on if the acceptance of yourself as her REAL parent is not there.
Second, nearly all the mothers I have met say things like, you could of done that differently. Listen to her, she may have some good points that will help you. If you do not agree, there is no reason to argue. Simply continue to do what you do best.
Third, reassure her that you really love her but never compromise to prove it to her. Lowering your expectations of her only means you value her less.
Fourth, if you are taking what an 11-year-old is saying to you personally, it is actually a signal to you that you have some maturing to do. Discipline your emotions so that you can attend to what this child needs. She is not there to validate or invalidate you. You are there to guide and protect her so she gets a different sense of what love is other than neglect, hurt, and abandonment.
I have an 11-year-old daughter too!
My husband & I am having some probelms with my soon to be 12yr old son, he is a great kid and has the potential to be a A/B Student. But as he has started 6th grade he has been in detention for not returning assignment and just today got suspended for the day for being involved in a snowball fight. I am always bumping heads with my husband concerning discipline, he says that i'm to soft and I think he is to hard on him. He tells me that he understands more than I do concerning discipline because he was once that same 12 yr old boy. Is he right?
Posted by: Lisa at March 7, 2005 08:40 AMHave you ever heard the word MACHO?
I'm a mexican living in Mexico, and believe me, we, educated and civilized people, are trying to change our society. We had enough of macho attitude in this part of the world. As a mother of two boys, i don't want to continue with this macho culture. Men around here are too aggressive and irresposible, we don't need to encourage that. By the way, do you know about "the deads of Juarez'? you should find out.
I have an eight year old son and a five year old daughter. My son has always had a strong bond with his father. Since my divorce (approximately 4 years ago)my son has expressed his desire to live with his father. Recently, he celebrated his eight birthday and his father has determined that he is old enough to make the decision for himself regarding where he would choose to reside. I have no doubt that this is what my son truly wants to do and that my ex-husband has the ability to care for him. However, I am concerned about how this will affect my daughter who will remain in my custody with no other siblings. My ex-husband has one child and two stepchildren in his household. I truly want what is best for both children. What to do??
Posted by: Sabrina at March 23, 2005 03:29 PMA friend told me of your site.
He said that I will find just the information here I was looking for.
That was definitely right. Good work.
