April 02, 2004
Problems and Excuses
It happens throughout our society, social institutions minimizing consequences for victims. He was abused, therefore.....minimize, minimize, minimize. It also happens in our homes. A parent’s compassion for a child’s problem, can create a separate expectation around behaviors. We then minimize the consequences for misbehavior. This does not serve the child.
What needs to happen for the sake of our children and communities is when something BAD happens to someone they should be taught how to tolerate it, encouraged to express the pain in a painful way, and then shoulder the obligation to make sure it never happens to anyone else. Never should being in pain be an acceptable reason for causing pain when it comes to young men. In fact, this kind of reasoning should be kept out of the earshot of children altogether. Children will and are using this type of knowledge to excuse themselves from the effort it takes for self discipline.
Here is a way to deal with the victim.
Pains, wounds, trauma put us in a position closer to our instincts, the will to survive so it’s necessary first to establish security. Remove the most immediate causes of harm. Be patient (self discipline). Address the expectations of growth through the situation. Be patient. Let them know your availability to address this further.
For adolescent males the sorrow and pain can look like rage and should be taken to the men who support the family.
I am often asked "What do I do if there are no men supporting the family?" Be careful, this situation can be dangerous. For women it is more important to keep yourself safe than to try to deal with this rage yourself. Find quality men. Invite them into your community. It can be a family member, a friend, or a mentor. Help your son by getting this help from men. These issues unresolved normally turn to addictions.
Finally, don’t continually feed the victim the excuse of what happened to him as a reason he doesn’t have to perform to expectations. It’s not a life lesson you want him to have.
hello My name is Richard Wood. My son youhave already have met is Douglas Iam looking fordward in meetting you . We have noe thing in common that is Douglas. I want the best for him.There has been alot of confusion in Douglas and my relationship .I`ve been trying to help him but getting nowhere fast.Getting no help from his mother . Help
Posted by: richard wood at July 31, 2004 11:19 PMI have a 14 year old son, he is the middle child. My oldest son is 15 and my daughter is 13. I am a single mom with joint custody of the children. My 14 year old has been very disrespectful and nasty, usually to his sister because she is easy to bully. One issue I had in my marriage was a controlling, verbally abusive and manipulative husband. I see this behavior coming out in my son. His father tends to place the blame on me because I wanted out of the marriage and he covers for my son and tells me I should work on it and fix it.
My son has started using foul language directly to me and no matter what he does, he finds a reason not to be accountable. Please let me know if you can offer any advice.
I two children a boy and a girl. The oldest is my son and he is 11. I am noticing things about my son that I am not sure on how to deal with. He is not responsible with HIS school work, his apprearence, his room or anything else that is expected of him( placing things back where they belong, doing simple chores,etc.) His grades are not the best. Not that he can't do better he puts no effort into trying to do better. I received a phone call from his teacher this morning informing me that was caught cheating and lying. He was caught trying to put his name on someone elses homework paper and tried to deny doing it. I am just about at my wits end. Are there any solutions you could offer me? I realize he is only 11 and if I don't get a handle on this now we could be facing much bigger problems further down the road.
Posted by: Lette at January 13, 2005 08:38 AMMy son is 13. He lies about everything. He doesn't put any effort into he school work in some classes. He whines whenever I ask him to do any chores. We have tried rewarding him, praising him. I keep telling him what the consequences will be if he dosen't staighten up now. I am remarried and his stepfather is more of a father to him then his own father. I need some advise on how to motivate this kid. He loves children and has a great heart. He really seems to care about people and his family.
Posted by: julie wood at February 19, 2005 07:36 PMMy son is 17. He has in the last two weeks changed his personality 180, he has befriended a new group of friends;which the mother condons my son quiting school with a gr 10 only and has moved in with without my consent. This womens daughter has only a gr 9 and is permitted to bed my son under the same roof,who is also not in school. I'm told that there is nothing that I can do even though my son has decided to ruin his life and break my heart !
I have been told to wait it out,as this person has a vbad report with the RCMP as well as the child welfare for which I have notified both .
Will this do any good?
Devistated
