Mitch's Tips for Parents

Single Mother's Do's and Don'ts

The single mother is operating without alot of guidance. When the wounds are fresh from a divorce or separation, there is an opportunity for real danger to the pysche of your son. Here is a list of "do's and don'ts" that will keep the damage to a minimum and let you make it through with your integrity intact.

There are so many circumstances that cause families to split up, most of which are painful for the father, mother and son. I have written these "do's and don'ts" from the point of view that the father is still alive and the mother has custody. This is the most common situation of single mothers. For clarity on your specific situation, please write. I am sure others will benefit.
Remember, we can work it out together!

Do's and don'ts
1)
Do- Acknowledge that it is a difficult situation.
Don't- Decide who it is the most difficult for.
The situation is always in flux and there is too much of a chance to either indulge the son emotionally or invalidate his feelings. In both cases, there is a greater risk of the son making it too much about the problem and use the situation for self destruction.
2)
Do- Discuss how the situation is going to be lived out.
Don't- Create false hopes or make promises.
Life is unpredictable and it is more important to have confidence and courage about our ability to cope and be resilient in the circumstances than to dream about unpredictable outcomes. Get impatient and those dreams turn to lies and we will have a betrayed and insecure person on our hands.
3)
Do- Tell the son what the custody terms are and why.
Don't- Allow the son to be involved with the custody decisions.
Let the adults take all the responsibility for their actions. Asking a young person to carry the load for adult behavior is cruel. Asking a child to choose between parents is ruthless.
4)
Do- Expect the son to contribute in all household tasks more, only because it needs to get done to increase the quality of life.
Don't- Let feelings of guilt dictate how much or little you expect of him. He can deal with the situation and take on more responsibility. Doing more for him out of guilt will only give rise to feelings of incompetence and laziness.
I have also seen this contribute to an aggressive attitude of demands made on the adult, with the young man laying out how the adult SHOULD act to MAKE them feel better.
5)
Do- Resolve your grief about the situation away from the child. Be emotionally available to the child. Grief takes on many forms from sadness to rage. It is important that we deal with our own emotions, not get caught in the trap of endlessly apologizing after we have screamed, slapped, belittled, or withdrawn without explanation. Remember, anything you say about his father will eventually be turned into something you would say about him. He will be a man like his father is a man. Because of this, he might come to believe he IS those negative things he heard you say about his dad.
Do