March 24, 2004
Doing "for" Our Children
Love and sacrifice are not synonymous. We are in a very precarious position as parents when we think that to love our children we must sacrifice ourselves. Actually to love our children we must teach them, show them and take care of their needs.
Then we must step back as our children provide for their own needs. This may start with "potty training" so our children learn about basic hygiene. Then perhaps the handling of eating utensils...
After needs we may show them some organization skills. This is not a need but it will surely make their life easier later.
Question: What happens if you are trying to teach your child self care and you keep doing the task for him?
Answer: The child believes that he is incompetent and will rely on you to take care of him FOREVER.
The example this week has been 17-year-olds not doing their own laundry.
Question: What happens when you are reluctant to correct him for fear of hurting his esteem or feelings?
Answer: The child will input minimum effort and expect full respect and praise for it.
Telling a child good job with a big BUT after is dishonest and may cause the child to lessen his respect for your input.
Question: What happens if a child does an excellent job and is given some kind of material reward for it?
Answer: The child will bargain with his integrity to the highest bidder or compromise his integrity if the price is not high enough. This includes areas of self-care.
Bribery and deal making are not effective parenting. Rewards are not esteem building.
In the instance where a child does outstanding work, praise the work, every detail that merits praise. If you think there is a need for improvement then make your statement about that and encourage him to bring it back once the corrections are made.
