March 15, 2004
Building Trust
To the young men of the world there is only one way to trust. That is through the examples we set for them. For most of us it is the same. Obedience to authority is not trust, it is obedience.
Trust comes from reliability through consistency. When we tell our young men something and all of our actions demonstrate our words, we are reliable. When we warn them of harm or danger and our emotions are equal to the actual risk, we are reliable.
At LeadershipWorks, we see regularly see a situation that puts a number of young men at risk. Young men have been warned for their entire lives about their behavior and if they continue that behavior, something negative was going to happen. For their entire lives, they have continued the behavior and still nothing has happened. What has happened is that no one has followed through with the consequences. What are these guys trusting?
What they trust is that no one cares enough to follow through and teach the life lesson and give them the right support to complete the consequences.
Care is not the effort we make to make life easier, it is the attention we give as we go through life together.
Posted by Mitch at March 15, 2004 12:15 PMI couldn't agree more! Why do parents think that teaching obedience is so important? Perhaps obedience makes it easier for the parents. Teaching obedience relieves the parent from having to suffer the consequences of poor choices by their children! "Don't touch!" may keep a child from burning his hand, but it doesn't teach him responsibility to think and make good choices himself.
Obedience denies responsibility, since to obey requires no decision, no acceptance of responsibility: "I killed them because I was ordered to kill them." How often do we raise our children to "do what you're told" instead of "do what is right"? In today's world of "extended mothering", we teach the responsibility for doing what is right at a much later age than was the case even 60 years ago.
The next time you are telling your kids to do something, why not ask them, first, what they think they should do. It is harder to do, takes more energy and patience, but if you do, you train them in the discipline of thinking for themselves and making decisions for themselves. The hard part, as pointed out by Mitch, is letting them learn from the consequences of their choices.
It is better that we teach children this discipline before they leave home. While they are at home experimenting with making good and bad decisions, you can offer them guidance and practice as only a loving parent can do. The lessons come hard and fast when taught by others.
Posted by: Jim March at April 19, 2004 10:24 AM
